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7 Fresh Ways to Mess with the Fresh Hokies


Dear freshmen, welcome to Virginia Tech! How’s the first week of your college experience going for you? Missing mommy and daddy yet? Good- now click away from this article, we need to have a word with the upperclassmen.

Listen kiddos, you’re no longer the fish food of the Duck Pond. You guys are now the top turkeys on campus, which means that not only are your classes getting harder, but the expectation of you being a good role model to the younger, lighter weight, and quite frankly stupid freshmen is growing heavier on your shoulders. Thankfully, we’re here with a list of a few ideas on how to be some-what positive, not-quite leaders to these baby Hokies:


7.) Remind them of their manners:
Hello. You can’t just get up in the middle of a lecture and leave. You have to raise your hand and dismiss yourself. Professors love it when you take the initiative of boldly stating where you are going and why you are leaving. Raise your hand, stand and face the class, and belt out that you have to take a shit.


6.) Assure them of the importance of their Hokie Ps:
Yeah, don’t lose them. They’re actually the official currency for the entire town of Blacksburg- any legitimate business will accept them more than they accept MasterCard. Tape them to your phones, glue them to your hands, just don’t lose your Hokie P- after all, there’s absolutely no way of replacing them.


5.) Help them out with public transportation:
A lot of these young city-slicking Hokies know their way around a subway or a train, but they have never met the Blacksburg Transit buses before. It’s a unique experience in itself- mainly because every BT will eventually get you where you need to be, when you need to be there. It’s actually absolutely amazing how the buses are never late and still manage to be on time- all the time.


4.) Teach them the ropes of Newman, and Squires, and Pamplin, and etc.:
Everyone knows how the 3rd and 5th floors of Newman are deemed “quite floors”, but it’s a learned lesson that 3rd floor Squires and the entire building of Pamplin are also dubbed as quite floors. Drill this information into their young noggins and you’ll have some top-notch hall monitors on your hands.


3.) Let them take the lead:
You’ve had plenty of time to experience the Drillfield, let them walk in front of you so they can experience the wonders of being handed literal thousands of flyers and pamphlets on greek life and ski clubs and pizza benefit nights. This is also a great opportunity to see how great they are at playing Frogger in real life.


2.) Help them with their wardrobes:
Keep in mind that Blacksburg in the fall is as mild as the guac at Qdoba, so it’s okay to leave the jackets at home. They’ll have plenty of time to grab their winter clothes later in the school year. Heck, just keep your closet packed with jorts and sandals until mid-January –that’s when you may need a light sweater.


1.) Help them with their career choices:
Are they good at math? They would excel in grading papers as an English teacher! Are they deathly allergic to grass? Tech has a major for soil- no grass involved! Can’t find a passion for anything? Dining Services is always hiring. Get those kiddos out there and exploring their options.


Community has always been one “C” word that Virginia Tech strongly values- others include College, Capitalism and Construction. Taking a young Hokie under your prophetic wing will not only boost your ego, but you’ll also gain a few laughs along the way. Take a few tips from our list and make your school year less shitty by giving those freshmen hell.




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