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Virginia Tech

7 Hells of South Riding, Virginia

South Riding, Virginia, is a place with charm, houses that all look the same, and plenty of people ready to snap at you if your beagle dares to pee on their perfectly landscaped property. It’s a suburb so bizarre and full of problems that there are 7 Hells of South Riding.

7.) Slytherin Territory:
Every once in a while you might cross paths with a snake while you’re on your morning jog or taking a stroll to visit a neighbor. Often, it’ll just be a harmless garden snake; however, sometimes that snake will manifest itself into a CrossFit junkie who’ll rat you out to the Homeowners Association for not tending to your garden lately. Tread lightly.

6.) South Riding Fair:
One of the most notable events during this time of year is the South Riding Fair, which lasts about two days and is ridiculously expensive. It comes with carnival rides that you’re 80% sure might break down any second and far too many middle schoolers wandering around acting “cool” because they finally don’t need parental supervision this year.

5.) Dave’s Mom:
Picture “Dave”— an average guy who plays baseball, helps old ladies cross the street, and does his homework. However, people are cautious of him because of his mom and the drama that comes with her. Did you vandalize an already abandoned building? Dave’s mom called the cops. Did you have trouble with “incompetent” workers at the grocery store? You’re probably Dave’s mom and have already complained about it on the community Facebook page. The amount of moms like Dave’s in this area is unreal.

4.) Fundraising Frenzies:
You can’t live in South Riding and say that you’ve never had a band geek come up to your door on Tag Day and ask if you’d like to make a donation to the fine arts. You can’t act like you’ve never given into the begging eyes of Boy Scouts who just want you to buy their popcorn so they can go home and play video games. It’s all part of the culture.

3.) Route 50:
Everyone here sucks at driving and yet everyone here will insist that they’re the only ones who can drive. Most of the near-accidents tend to happen on Route 50, which is the highway that you simply can’t avoid if you’re trying to get to literally anywhere. So get ready to honk your car horn at any time, because you’ll probably need it for when Dave’s mom’s Honda Civic cuts you off out of nowhere.

2.) Eat or Be Eaten:
There’s not a whole lot to do in the area outside of eating. You could go to the family-favorite Velocity Wings or relax with your buddies at the South Riding Inn, but the second you’re in the mood to go to the movies or the mall, you gotta get back on Route 50 and go a little further. You can either put your frustrations to rest and eat, or be eaten by your defeat.

1.) The Critics: 
Literally everyone will judge you over anything and everything. It’s a place infested with Simon Cowell wannabes. And Dave’s mom.

South Riding, even with all of its weird quirks, is a great place to live, unless you prefer to live in complete and utter peace and harmony, because you won’t really get that here. On the bright side, at least you know hell has character. Welcome to the suburbs of northeast Virginia!

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