Imagine this: you’re sitting in a 2:30 lecture, it’s your last class of the day, and you literally just have to make it through the hour before you can go home and take that phat nap you’ve been thinking of since you dragged your miserable self out of bed this morning. You’re trying to pay attention and yet you can’t focus because two VT frat guys from Sigma Pad Thai are yapping behind you like deep-voiced chihuahuas. To help cope with your frustration, here are eight nonverbal insults that you can say in your head to these “men”:
8.) “No, your pitch for a revolutionary app is not, in fact, revolutionary.”
Why do frat bros in the College of Business always think they know what the “next big thing” is when they can’t even figure out which of their Tinder options to take to their next date party?
7.) “Your ability to survive through whatever hazing you went through is truly inspiring. You’re so brave.”
Hey man, you’re the one who decided that going through the unspeakable hell that you were forced to go through as a pledge was worth making a few new friends instead of ya know, actually being friendly with people. You get no sympathy here.
6.) “Please, tell us more about the girl who had to get completely wasted before she gave you an ounce of attention at a party.”
The fact that she said you look vaguely like Robert Pattinson meant nothing. All frat boys begin to look vaguely like Robert Pattinson if the tequila’s strong enough. Don’t flatter yourself.
5.) “No one cares about the mopeds.”
When you talk about your cute lil mopeds, we guarantee that people will primarily be thinking of all those parking spots you’ve taken because of them. Others will just be slightly jealous that they don’t have mopeds themselves. It’s a lose-lose situation.
4.) “Keep talking about how trash Nicki Minaj is, your opinion definitely matters.”
We’re begging you to detect the sarcasm. No one cares about how you feel regarding female rappers that you hold higher standards to than male rappers.
3.) “Complaining about how often your mom calls you is the number one way of making yourself sound like an ungrateful ass, so congrats on that.”
We bet once laundry day comes around and you don’t know what the purpose of a dryer sheet is, you’ll be begging your mom to answer your calls.
2.) “Making fun of the professor for minor reasons is totally not overdone. Have you ever thought about doing stand-up comedy?”
Ah yes, the good ol’ “laugh at the professor for being eccentric/weird/different” bit. Who thought going to a school with thousands of people would introduce you to some with personalities different from yours?
1.) “Is it really that impossible for you to whisper?”
Why is this a thing? If you’re going to talk, why do you have to sound like you’re doing a full-on presentation in front of millions of people? Literally why are you so loud?? Who hurt you???
Okay look—we know we sound harsh. But we said what needed to be said. Rude ain’t cute. And maybe if you stopped talking during these lectures you wouldn’t have to complain about failing the class, Chad.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.