Upgrades to Tech’s Summer Construction Projects That Would Actually Be Useful

author-pic at Virginia Tech  

Welcome back Hokies! As you may have noticed, there are some things that are different about campus this year. No, we’re not referring to the influx of 7,000 people wearing lanyards around their necks, and think that D2 is our best dining hall, but rather some of the actual features on and around campus. A lot of these things are welcome additions, but we think we could do a little better in some cases.

5.) New Walkways on the Drillfield:
The additional paths are apart of Tech’s continuing effort to make sure the Drillfield is fully concrete by 2022. They will make sure your shoes don’t get muddy as you try to walk as far away from Randolph and McBryde as possible. There’s gotta be some metaphorical significance of the pathways, but we still don’t like them. It’d be better if these paths could probably be converted to waterslides. Tears of seniors, afraid about having to actually do stuff when they graduate, could replenish the water for the slides.

4.) Cassel Coliseum Basketball Court:
Hokies will pleased to find out that our basketball team will be playing on a renovated court in Cassel. It now has 4,000 new seats and an aesthetically pleasing portrait of Burruss Hall. When Hokie fans storm the court after an upset, they’ll feel every hour of work that was placed into the court in their toes. And then, they’ll wonder how much longer until football season starts again. But this would be better off as a place for trial by combat between students and professors. For you Game of Thrones noobs, this would be a way to settle grading disputes in a semi-fair way. The weapons used would be inflatable, and if you can beat your professor, you can change your grade.

3.) New Bridge at the Southgate Entrance:
The bridge is a quite snazzy addition. It’s a like BAM… you’re at Tech motherfucker. It’s kind of like the lead up to Disneyworld, but for college kids. The bridge’s actual purpose has to deal with something about expanding the airport and the Corporate Research Center, which is fine and dandy but also super boring. A suitable alternative would be to make the Bridge a FunHouse. Tech’s a pretty fun place. Why not make a funhouse the Southgate entrance? It would probably be a logistical nightmare, but it would give you and your friends another place to hang.

2.) New stuff at West End:
Isn’t West End looking classy? Even the Ozzi Machine looks like it slimmed up a bit. The new screens at Chop and SportsHouse will make the slight markup in prices across the board even clearer. But you’ll feel better about spending money there, because of the pleasing, updated views. The new stuff still isn’t a chocolate fountain, though. A chocolate fountain would make West End even more popular and decrease the amount of crime alerts we get by at least 33% (it’s proven fact that people are happier when there’s at least one chocolate fountain in close proximity).

1.) No more Scholar:
Scholar has (finally) been replaced with something that is seen as newer, sleeker, and less complicated. So basically it’s an actress over the age of 30. If you type it into your browser, you can still see the remains of the occasionally competent site. Professors and students can now put their full energy into bitching about Canvas. Scholar should redirect to Facebook. This way, anyone who was trying to be productive in class, but accidentally went to Scholar instead of Canvas, can go back to being unproductive.

What would you prefer, Hokies?