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Breaking: Virginia Tech Spring Game Reveals that UVa Still Sucks

This past Saturday, Virginia Tech beat itself 28-26 at a game of football at the annual Spring Game. It’s easy to play this game off as simply an excuse for Tech students to get sloshed out of their mind, but there’s another important conclusion from this Saturday’s game: UVa lost.

Though UVa was not technically present at the game, the loss still counts toward their overall record next season. UVa coach Bronco Mendenhall hosted a press conference after the game.

“This was a tough loss for us, especially given the fact that we weren’t present, and it’s not football season at all.” The others coaches on the staff were said to be visually upset and contemplating foregoing the upcoming fall season.

“You don’t see that everyday,” Mendenhall stated with a wistful smile. “Touchdowns, first downs, handoffs, managing to find your way on the field. It was beautiful thing to see.” Mendenhall has every right to be upset with Virginia Tech.

Like tuition increases, beating UVa has become a bit of a tradition at Tech, winners of the last fourteen contests.

One UVa player said that since the game on Saturday, playing football feels like “playing Scrabble in Dorthraki” to him. He has since quit the team and has taken up a hobby more suitable to his talents (read: crocheting). Another UVa player stated that he told his mother not to watch VT spring game because “he loves her” and didn’t want to “hear the disappointment in her voice” afterwards.

Tech players seemed unaware that there win had made UVa football realize they suck, but officials for the team say they hope to do “more good things like this in the future.”

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