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How to Transfer Your Drillfield People-Ignoring Skills to Your Hometown Grocer

Imagine sitting on your favorite couch at home, watching a millionth episode of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, when you realize you really want a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. You finally give in, and make the dreaded trip out in public for the first time back home. Of course, the first person you see inside the store is someone you haven’t seen since high school graduation when you flipped everyone off and declared you’d “never see you losers again.” Don’t panic! If you can eye contact with TOTS-acquaintances on the Drillfield in between classes, you can handle this as well, with just a few tweaks:

5.) Walk Fast, Eyes to the Ground:
For starters, walk fast and avoid eye contact like the dweeb you are. While you’re at it, curse yourself for thinking you could get away with wearing your grandma’s Crocs at a moment like this. You can usually get away with walking fast on campus by pretending you’re late to class, so in this case, just pretend you have something in the oven that you need to rush back to.

4.) Pop the Headphones In:
Blast your favorite Harry Styles song in your ears, and make sure it’s audible outside your own ears. This way, even if the person you know sees you, they won’t bother you while you’re listening to music. No one talks to you if you have headphones in on the way to class, and it’s normal behavior at VT, so at home they’ll definitely avoid you. 

3.) Just Flat Out Hide:
Find the nearest aisle and slide yourself into it as if it were the DMs of that cadet you would always sit behind in one of your lectures this past semester. Literally Cha-Cha Slide yourself there if it’ll hide you faster. It’s easy to disappear behind people on the Drillfield, so if you can find a nice family shopping around, you can also use them as a shield to keep you hidden.

2.) Very Important Phone Call:
Get your phone out and pretend you’re having an intense conversation with your roommate back in Blacksburg who desperately needs to your help in deciding whether they should go to TOTS or Sharkey’s tonight — the more unfamiliar jargon you can throw out the better. Whatever “urgent” matter it is, if it makes you look concerned enough that no one would talk to you out of fear of disturbing you, you’ll make it out of this alive.

1.) Wait for the All Clear:
Sit in your car for a good twenty minutes, take a nap, listen to the radio, or call that relative of yours that goes to UVA and remind them that they’re still dead to you. Then, when you see your old pervy PE teacher or whoever finally leave, go back inside and keep a watchful eye out while you grab your Flamin’ Hots. 

Whatever you do, don’t freak out. And remind yourself that everyone hates running into people they know in public when all they really want is to enjoy a lazy summer day in peace. The sooner you go through it, the sooner you can begin repressing the memory of it ever happening. On the bright side, at least you have your Cheetos.

 

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