Fantastic Beasts of Newman and Where to Find Them
Winter break is so close we can taste it on our tongues –oh sweet savory goodness! But whoa, slow down there you wild Hokie, you have to survive the most dreaded ~Week from Hell~ (spooky noises, somewhere in the distance a screeching cat jumps out of a trash can). But, fear not, you’ve spent the past three months totally preparing yourselves for this week… right? Probably not, but there’s still time for you to hit those books. Seriously, hit them. With your car. You don’t need them because you’ll be too busy looking for these beautiful beasties that can only be found at the one and only Newman Library:
You’ve spent 15 minutes trying to find the perfect spot in Newman for your sweet ass to call home for the next 3, 4 hours –or however long it takes you to feel guilty about scrolling through your social media and mosey back to your dorm. Finally, you spot a couch with *actual* cushions and what is that? Oh it’s an outlet, conveniently lodged into the floor right beside your perfect couch. What beauty, what grace! Only hitch is, there’s something already occupying one end of your couch. You shrug it off, looks like it’s pretty occupied with their work. No wait, this creature hasn’t moved in like 17 years –there are literal cobwebs growing on him. Is he dead? Nah, he’s just a Sleepokie! It’ll only wake when its classic iPhone alarm has been going off for 15 minutes straight. It doesn’t snore though, score.
Where to find them: They tend to really like any place with couches, try the Graduate Study room, the fourth floor, or near the sofas on the second floor –literally anywhere there are comfortable seating arrangements. If you want to see a sleeping beast of a completely different kind, we highly suggest you check out the Math Empo.
What is a “Nertle,” you ask? Imagine this –a species so rare, witnesses say they have only caught glimpses of this creature skittering around campus. Where do they come from? Where do they go? Where do they come from? Nertle-eye joe? Legend has it, Nertles come from the underground tunnels that connect Squires to Newman and other various Hogwarts-like buildings, but they can come from any tunnel if we’re being completely honest. Half nerd, half turtle; that’s what they are. Slim-thick with their cute… Jansports that outweigh the entire D2 buffet.
Where to find them: There have been reported sightings of small groups of Nertles manifesting between the shelves and stacks of books, but you’ve got to catch them fast, they disperse so quickly.
Is he tired or just socially inept? Who really knows, all we do know is you’re not allowed to walk through the fancy sliding glass doors without the Staretruckle staring a hole straight through your soul. Scrolling through pictures of cats in 19th century garb is made 50% more uncomfortable when this creature is sitting across from you stone-faced, throwing daggers in your direction. Even if you take a trip to the printers or through the cadet museum, every move you make will be highly surveyed by our little staring creature.
Where to find them: Hiding behind the stacks, lurking around study rooms or even straight chillin’ at the tables near the Writing Center –these creatures of their own design can be found virtually anywhere.
These are just a few critters you’ll find slinking around Newman this finals season. Be on the lookout for these interesting beasts and you might discover newer, unclassified species that certainly deserve recognition.