How to Become One with the Ducks from the Duck Pond Parking Lot

author-pic at Virginia Tech  

Remember when Sands admitted the biggest freshmen class known to man last year? And then did it again? We barely noticed the class of 2020 at first, but now that we’re being forced to park in the bitch-ass parking lot that is the Duck Pond Lot because of them. We’re having to start to adapt and make nice- with the ducks, since we’re going to be seeing a lot of them now. So here’s how:

7.) Camouflage yourself:
Ducks feel comfortable with things they can relate to; what’s more relatable than a doppelgänger? Remember: ducks walk on all twos, so get off those hands and walk among the fowl.

6.) Yell at the geese:
Duck Pond ducks have a rather busy day- helping them with their everyday chores and duties will definitely gain their respect. Get into the habit of meeting them near the bridge every morning around 9 a.m. so you can spend some quality time screaming at the unruly geese together.

5.) Occasionally venture outside the pond:
You’ll often times run across some vagabond ducks near Castle or even Lane. A few have even been spotted downtown, near the parking garage. Don’t forget that Blacksburg is also your oyster and that there is more to life than a muggy pond home to oversized goldfish. You might even run into a few ducks you’ve met from campus.

4.) Travel with your Bey or Jay:
Speaking of venturing out into the world, we rarely see our duck friends by themselves. Always travel in a pack or with a friend- heck it doesn’t even have to be a friend, it can be a total stranger. Yes, travelling with strangers is always a good idea when searching for duck friends.

3.) Rest your feets:
Our beloved ducks seem to pay no mind to where they plop their feathers for a mid-noon siesta and neither should you! Newman? McComa’s? Math Empo? The 7th layer of Hell? Feel free to roll yourself into the fetal position and snooze away no matter where you are!

2.) Drop your technology:
Ducks are basically living in the 19th century- they have no phones, computers or concept of the internet. Parading around campus with your gadgety gizmos might throw off our mallard friends, which can only make them skeptical of you and your wizarding ways. So diss the 21st century and find interest in a leaf.

1.) Take them to dinner:
Or, throw them some dinner. If you’ve been on campus all day, you’re bound to have a few Hokie Grill French fries or left over wrap from Wrap World shoved away in your jeans pockets. Be a good friend and chuck your saved left-overs for the ducks on your pilgrimage back to your car. After all, the quickest way to a mallard’s heart- is through its chest; but the second quickest way would be through its stomach.

So if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and smells like a duck- it’s probably just the exhausted Tech student who has accepted their own defeat and will forever be parking at the Duck Pond.