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Lil Dicky’s Gyrating Moves Leave Female Student Body Swooning


This past Friday Lil Dicky AKA the Independent Variable performed at Virginia Tech in front of a sold-out crowd. Despite Lil Dicky killing the concert and performing top hits like “Professional Rapper,” “Save Dat Money,” and “Pillow Talking,” he also did some notable shit like singing the “Star Spangled Banner, “I Believe I can Fly,” and diving onto some Hokies. However, The Longwinded Answer’s most notable concert event was when he stripped down and gave one lucky usher a ~lap dance.~


Initially the girl appeared nervous that The Time Travelers Wife was grinding his junk on her, but accepted and understood that by the end of the verse, she would be free to continue her concert working duties. Mr. Leftward Sloping Penis, however, had other plans. When the song’s chorus finally began, he promptly took of his cutoff sweat pants and continued to give the girl an awkward, yet sensual dance. Much to the envy of other fans in the audience, Dicky did not stop till the end of the song and proceeded to grind away on stage. Finally, as the song finished, he un-straddled the girl and presented a dozen roses, a romantic gesture amidst a flurry of sexual feelings.


The girl—obviously stunned by the lap dance and flowers—is still reeling over the great time she had. Lil Dicky’s lap dance obviously left the usher with extreme feels. “I haven’t stopped listening to his songs since that night. I just hope one day he can come back and do it all over again—except in slow motion,” she said, during our on-site interview.


Yet, despite her permanent high from Lil Dicky’s gyrating moves, there has some been some backlash. With Valentines Day feelings in the air it and a sex symbol like Lil Dicky coming to Blacksburg, it’s no wonder the girl has been subject to jealousy all over campus.


Not only has the usher been fueled by The Original Pancake’s romantic fire, but so has the rest of the school. First her roses were stolen and found plucked apart on the steps of Burruss, then her apartment ransacked for her work uniform. Just recently, it’s been rumored that she has The Human Bitcoin on speed dial and is hoping it’ll lead to him “wifing her up,” which has caused further outrage from the female student body. The ensuing chaos over Lil Dicky’s concert antics may come as a surprise to many however, even the least dedicated fans know this is to be expected.


Valentine’s Day is tomorrow and the sexual tension is high, so it’s no wonder why so many people are going crazy over Lil Dicky. However, nobody would have guessed that a lap dance would be the source of such controversy and emotion. Our thoughts and prayers are with the lap dance recipient.



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