The 7 Hells of Fairfax County

author-pic at Virginia Tech  

Living in the outskirts of the capital of the free world sounds like a trip and a half. But the shadow of D.C. isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be.

7.) Fairfax Corner:
The only good thing about middle school is it only lasts a few years, and then you’re out and never have to think about it again. Not in Fairfax Corner. This perpetually pubescent hot spot will make you cross the street in fear of the upcoming tween gang exiting Color-Me-Mine. Despite the bars and actual decent restaurants, this town center is always swarming with the biggest middle school twerps in the area, who have the power to strip you of your dignity with just a look of their over-drawn cat eye. Steer clear for the safety of your soul.

6.) Reston Ice Rink:
What’s the only thing worse than middle schoolers? High schoolers. Both of which are in abundance at the Reston ice rink-year round. If you think taking your date to go ice skating would be cute, think a-fucking-gain. There’s nothing cute about 16 year old swapping spit as they fumble around in an ice rink, slowly falling to the ground like their on the sinking titanic. But if kiddy porn isn’t your thing, there’s also high school stoner employees who skate circles around 5 year olds just to impress their fellow dead beat coworkers. Worst of all is the only Zamboni, that dudes a Fucking asshole.

5.) Cox’s Farms:
Cox’s Farms is great when you’re 5, but then you finally grow feelings in your legs and start to value comfort over kettle corn and realize that paying $30 to sit in a barrel of hay for an hour while riding around ghost-infested woods is not an ideal way to spend your entire October.

4.) Manassas Battlefield:
By Hell we mean the literal home of Satan and all those who sin. Manassas Battlefield is home to dozens of confederate soldier’s ghosts who roam the fields looking for children to drown in the river and cross country runner’s ankles to twist. A lovely place to visit if you have some sage, though.

3.) Every Suburb:
Driving around Fairfax county is like watching twilight zone episode about killer Cape Cods and Tudors. Everywhere you turn, there’s a house you’ve seen before, sucking out your soul with its pier one shutter set. But Fairfax county isn’t all suburbs, it has a lot of lovely, original, modern areas. Except for Centreville. And Chantilly. And Reston. And Clifton. And Herndon. And Vienna. And Springfield. And…

2.) Tyson’s Corner:
Lucifers Favorite Shopping Center™. Tysons corner is the result of vaccinations and a general lack of natural selection in the modern world. At any given time, there are no less than 7.2 million people at this mall, probably all screaming something about “should’ve gone to fair oaks” under their breath.

1.) I-66:
The actual inspiration for AC/DC’s Highway to Hell. You know in apocalypse movies when every single human tries to leave the city on one road and causes a massive and catastrophic traffic jam? That is I-66 every day.