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A Timeline of Today’s Official Holiday: Chicken Parm Day

 

 

On the afternoon of Thursday, April 20th, President Timothy Sands made an announcement to change a generation. President Sands and the Department of Student affairs took to the interwebs to announce that today, Friday, the 21st day of April in the 2017th year of our lord, will be the official Chicken Parm Day. The goal? to break the VT Dining Service’s record of chicken parm plates served in one day. Here’s an account of a day that will live in chicky chicky parm parm infamy.

 

10:30 a.m.: The doors to Owens open
10:31 a.m.: Civilization as we know it ends forever
10:35 a.m.: The Lotsa Pasta line officially exits Owens
10:45 a.m.: First tear of the day leaves eye of Owen’s employee
10:50 a.m.: 200 parms sold
10:59 a.m.: The Lotsa Pasta line officially exits campus
11:11 a.m.: Make a wish
11:17 a.m.: All classes officially cancelled
11:29 a.m.: First parm shortage. 7 recorded heart attacks
11:30 a.m.: 1 thousand parms sold
11:31 a.m.: Chicken parm supplies replenished
12:03 a.m.: The Lotsa Pasta line successfully merges onto I-81 N
12:22 p.m.: President Sands retreats to office, 3 chicken parms in stomach
12:25 p.m.: 100th food fight of day breaks out
12:30 p.m.: Ghost of Nicholas Flamel arises, cuts to front of line
12:31 p.m.: UVA officially closes indefinitely, all students en route to Virginia Polytechnic and State University
12:42 p.m.: Jake Tapper arrives with fork and knife in hand to cover event. NBC and Fox also on scene.
12:50 p.m.: Drillfield floods with pasta sauce
12:57 p.m.: Parm sauce slip n slide installed on Drillfield
1:09 p.m.: The Lotsa Pasta line officially exits Virginia, successfully crossing the Maryland border
1:14 p.m.: 1000th “Let’s Go Hokies” chant of the day
1:34 p.m. United States of America officially changes colors to maroon and orange
1:58 p.m.: Turner launches “Eggplant Parmesan” campaign, dies within minutes of release
2:04 p.m.: Owen’s employees collectively awarded Presidential Medal of Freedom
2:17 p.m.: Global ceasefire as soldiers join parm line
2:46 p.m.: 2m parms sold
3:00 p.m.: VT football arrives en masse, Fuente crowd surfs to front of line
3:30 p.m.: First 30 minutes without incident of the day
3:31 p.m.: This establishment has gone 0 minutes without accident
4:20 p.m.: Blaze it
4:37 p.m.: ΔΔΔ members fuse to make giant mega-human, smash entire north half of Owen’s
5:10 p.m.: First official #ParmDump
5:42 p.m.: Jeff Goldblum enters Owen’s food court
5:43 p.m.: Jeff Goldblum recites entire “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could they didn’t stop to think if they should” Jurassic Park scene while double fisting chicky parms
5:45 p.m. Jeff Goldblum and accompanying chicken parmesans kidnapped by VT rowing team
6:07 p.m.: US SWAT team enters for crowd control
6:15 p.m.: 7.1 m pieces of gum chewed. Parmy mouth? Clean it up with Orbit.
6:39 p.m.: Pasta shortage across entirety of North America
6:53 p.m.: Emergency pasta supply from Venice helicoptered to Drillfield
7:00 v: The Lotsa Pasta line officially exits the United States, successfully crossing Canadian border
7:05 p.m.: Single file line still intact, only a handful of instances of cutsies. Local psychologist says studies will be conducted.
7:20 p.m.: 100m parms sold
7:28 PM: Local mom hands out 9000th napkin of the day
7:32 p.m.: Entire VT student body rips simultaneous parm fart, causes Hurricane Parmy
7:38 p.m.: All government offices officially close for week
7:43 p.m.: Chicken parm
7:49 p.m.: The Lotsa Pasta line officially exits North America, successfully entering Atlantic Ocean
7:53 p.m.: Official 100th parm pun of the day tweeted by VT student
7:57 p.m.: 800th white shirt ruined. Sponsored by Tide
7:59 p.m.: Chicken Parm takes official seat as President of the United States of Parmerica
8:05 p.m.: Tweet from official Beyoncé: “#PARMONADE”
8:22 p.m.: Virginia Tech officially ranked #1 best college in world by unanimous vote from all existing humans
8:29 p.m.: Chicken Parm accepts crown, becomes Parmelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi, Princess of Genovia
8:38 p.m.: Last chicken in eastern America killed, final batch of chicken parms go into oven
8:50 p.m.: Hokie Bird emerges from Owen’s refrigerator hiding space, 98% of feathers missing
9:00 p.m.: Doors to Owen’s close.
12:00 a.m., Monday, April 24th: Final piece of chicken parm exits body of Virginia Tech student. Chicken Parm Day is officially over.

 

 

 

 

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