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4 Hokies Who Belong on Santa’s Naughty List


Well ladies and gentlemen, according to my Google calendar, Mariah Carey’s only famous song in the world playing back on the radio, and the ginormous Christmas tree downtown, it’s finally that time of the year again- Christmas is upon us. Now for those of you who still believe in Santa Claus, which is obviously every single college student in America, you know that with the month of December almost halfway gone, the next few weeks are key in determining whether or not you’ve made Santa’s nice list this year. But while all of us continue to hope that, like our professors grading finals, Santa doesn’t check anything twice, there are a select few people who have no such hopes.


Even during this season of giving and more importantly getting, there are creatures in this world who have spent the entire year being quite naughty. Now guys, before you get too excited, this isn’t the fun kind of naughty; this is the candy cane shriveling, cold chocolate making, ‘Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday’ kind of naughty that have earned these people permanent spots on Santa’s naughty list. Here are the top 4 kinds of Hokies that are definitely going on Santa’s naughty list:


4.) Quiet Floor Talkers:
No matter what time of the year you go to a quiet floor in Newman, there always seems to be at least one person who can never fully appreciate exactly just what the phrase ‘no talking’ means. Most people find it too mean to confront a quiet floor talker, but on December 25, the jolly man upstairs will finally say what we’ve all been wanting to with a single piece of coal.


3.) Cyclists:
When little Shirley Temple sang: “all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,” it wasn’t just for fun. She had to sing this song because a cyclist hit her and knocked them out. While there are still probably two cyclists on the Drillfield who abide by traffic laws, the rest of them apparently won’t be content until they’ve almost knocked into everyone on campus. So in the spirit of the season, can’t we all just throw on a pair of Nikes and jingle all the way to class together?


2.)Parking Spot Burglars:
How many times this semester have you seen an open parking spot on campus… only to seconds later see that the car in the spot next to it went over the line and took up both spots. We get it, parking is hard; but if jolly old Saint Nick can park an entire sled on the roof of every good little college boy and girl in the world, you can take a second to adjust your Ford Focus.


1.)Professors who don’t curve:
If we’ve learned anything from the Grinch, it’s that there’s no line so narrow that you can’t cross back over. So maybe one day all of the Hokies in Hokievill will collectively cry on the Drillfield and the professors will decide to curve final grades. On that day we can all watch our GPAs grow three sizes.


But rest assured, if you don’t do anything on this list, then you’re bound to end up on Santa’s nice one.


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