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Top 6: Ways to Die on Virginia Tech’s Campus

 

Whether you’re simply trying to cross the Drillfield during a thunderstorm or eating Turner express sushi, there comes some risk as a Virginia Tech student. Actually a lot more risk than you may think, here are the Top 6 Ways to Die on Virginia Tech’s Campus:

 

6.) Being Attacked by the Owens skunk:
You may not see it, but it’s there. The skunk family that inhabits the bushes around Owens take no prisoners and show no mercy. Ever had to take a tomato bath in a dorm bathtub? If the skunk doesn’t kill you, the diseases you contract from the bathtub might.

 

5.) Getting Rabies From the Hokie Squirrels:
The squirrels here are very chill and friendly, but what if that’s only because they’re deranged? Getting too close to these squirrels is a bad idea, as they are far more intelligent than you may think. They are Hokie squirrels after all, vastly superior to a UVA or JMU squirrel. These critters will seduce you with their cuteness and then infect you with their rabies, kind of like frat bros. Do not feed the animals.

 

4.) Using the Crosswalk at the Intersection of College Ave and Main Street:
Downtown can get pretty crazy on weekend nights, but one thing that is crazy no matter what time or day of the week is the traffic on Main Street. Just imagine standing in front of Moes and running across the street to see who actually stops, we’re not sure if you’d live to tell the tale. 

 

3.) Starving to Death in Line at Turner
Think you found a good time to grab food on the go at Turner? Think again, friend! Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, even your middle of the day snack, be prepared to stand in line for over 30 minutes. We recommend eating a snack on the way, just in case the hunger and fatigue of standing in line finally get you to drop dead.

 

2.) Drowning in a Flash Flood:
Blacksburg weather is crazy unpredictable, and sometimes you find yourself hiding under an arch debating whether or not braving the storm and running to class is even worth it. It’s not worth it, considering being completely soaked in class is extremely unpleasant. Save yourself the trouble and risk of injury; wait out the rain before going back to your warm, safe bed.

 

1.) Getting Hit by a Biker:
This is every Hokies worst nightmare. No matter how observant you are crossing the street or walking down the sidewalk, a biker will look for you, will find you, and will kill you. There isn’t a way to avoid this, as bikers are a speedy and unforgiving breed. The only way to protect yourself is to keep your head up and your music volume low so you can hear the biker screaming at you to move and get outta’ the way. 

 

For the most part, Blacksburg is a very safe place. But, by actively avoiding these six things, you can lower the probability that you’re the student who gets attacked by a squirrel this year. Keep those heads up when crossing the street, and don’t forget that getting hit by a bus does NOT mean Virginia Tech will pay your tuition.  

 

If you can survive a tailgate, you can survive a zombie apocalypse.

 

 

 
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