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6 Things You’ve Done That’ll Get You a Degree at Tech

Come on, you know you’ve thought about it before. You’re drowning in weeks upon weeks of midterms and your friends over in Blacksburg are posting pictures of themselves frolicking on the Drill Field or visiting that weird puppy farm in Harrisonburg. You can’t help but think, “Goddamn, if I’d just gone to Tech I would have a doctorate by now.” But you didn’t, you’re here and you’re doing the damn thing. Here are six things you’ve done here at UVa that would have earned you a degree at Tech.

6.) Changed your own lightbulb:
Have you ever heard that joke about how many Tech students it takes to screw in a lightbulb? It goes something like this:

How many Tech students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don’t know, how many?

Three: one to change the bulb, and two to discuss how they did it just as well as a UVa student.

So yeah, there’s a bit of a competition between the two of us, we won’t deny it, but at least it only takes one of us to change a lightbulb.

5.) Touched a football:
Since apparently football is all Tech has other than an occasional cow for tipping, simply saying you’re on the football team will get you a full ride and degree from the school since they need something to hold on to/over us. Mazel tov, you have a football team who wins a decent amount. Well now we do too, so what else ya got for us?

4.) Taken an intro level course:
Yeah, we’ll go there. If you’ve taken any 1001 classes here at UVa you’ve likely mastered any top Tech curricula. We’ll let them have football, it’s a brute’s game anyway. There’s no way they could tell us their course load is easier than ours, just no way. The one thing Tech and UVa students have in common is that they both got into Tech.

3.) Hiked:
It’s like the students of Virginia Tech fucking invented hiking. We get it, ya got the Knob, we’ve all fucking seen the Knob! It’s almost as if Tech students have nothing else to do but wander around uphill in the woods. Is this perhaps a major there? We’re unsure, but the sheer number of Instagram posts from that stupid peak are inundating our feeds that we’d much rather use for networking and column pics. Go to a bar, go downtown, get some culture, oh wait… yeah I guess hiking it is.

2.) Sent someone flowers:
Nope, you read that right. There is an actual class at Virginia Tech called Floral Design that will get you a real life diploma. It. has. a. fucking. lab. component. WHAT? We’re all about liberal arts too, but arranging peonies and deciding if that blush-tipped rose really matches the tone of that other dusty pink one has little to no value. Florists don’t even need degrees!

1.) Played in the dirt:
Unfortunately you can’t earn a degree in Crop and Soil Sciences here at UVa, but we know a great place where you can! That’s right boys and girls, if you’ve ever mowed your lawn, experimented with dirt-eating on the playground as a child, or shucked an ear of corn you too can “earn” a diploma from Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University. Make sure to transfer and declare early, we hear it’s their most stinky popular program.


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