6 Top Tips to Land the Shitty Entry-Level Job of Your Dreams

author-pic at University of Virginia  

Fresh out of college, you’re unemployed and entering a job market that merciless and unforgiving. Let’s face it, you’re not going to walk into a downtown office and land your dream job, or even a job that you like. Instead, focus on finding the worst possible job – something menial, demanding, with a despotic boss and almost no pay. It’ll be the time of your life. Luckily we’re here to help with some handy tips to land a terrible entry-level job.

 

6.) Aim Small, Miss Small:

Don’t even think about applying to a Fortune 500 company. Don’t apply at a successful company. If you’re really committed to working a dead-end, low-paying job then start applying to nonprofits and start-ups and dying industries like print newspapers and steel mills. That’s where the real shitty jobs are.

5.) Un-Pad Your Resume:

Start taking things off your resume. Did you intern in college? Nobody needs to know about that! Make yourself look like the least desirable candidate imaginable. Make your resume in some ridiculous font, with different colors. It’ll show off how unique and special you are, while giving every HR person a massive migraine. That’s the first impression you want.

4.) Talk in a Cockney British Accent:

You don’t see many British immigrants working good jobs, right? Make yourself mysterious with an adorable British accent that employers will NEVER tire of. Plus, this one also works in the romance department – fake British accents lead to more first dates and more marriages than any other form of communication.

3.) Quote Rappers Liberally:

Trap rappers know what the important things in life are: dead presidents, dirty Sprite and bitches who are both bad and boujee. The more that you let your horrible employer know that you live and die by the lifestyle promoted in trap music, the better chance you have of working the worst job of your life.

2.) Bring Tarot Cards:

When the interviewer asks you if you have any questions, simply take out your handy deck of Tarot cards and say, “let’s see what the cards have to say.” It’ll get you very far if your potential employer knows you have a firm grasp on decision-making skills.

1.) Tell the Interviewer About The Black Sheep:

Show them how cultured you are by bringing up our articles on your phone during the interview and saying things like, “this list of memes changed my life” or “I tried this Four Loko cake and loved it, would you like me to make you one?” You’ll stand apart from all the boring candidates and you’ll love your shitty, entry-level job.