6 Ways to Break the Law on the Corner
UVa students like to think that we are the crème de la crème. We have a reputation as pure-hearted but snobby elites who have never done anything to piss off Mommy or Daddy. Those who think that have clearly never seen the Corner, a cesspool of illegal activity committed by UVa students daily, and we mean daily. Here are some of the easiest ways to fit in at school and break the law like everyone else.
6.) Jaywalking Across 14th by Boylan:
Is it colorblindness or a rush to get drunk and eat that causes UVa students to blatantly ignore at the crosswalk? The world may never know, but we do know that it is technically illegal, even if it’s minor.
Repercussions: Either an infraction or misdemeanor if you are stupid enough to do it in front of a cop. Basically, Dad will just take away your Prada purse and you will be on your way.
5.) Underage Drinking:
Have you ever wondered why there seems to be a proliferation of South Carolina license plates? You haven’t? That’s because none of us are actually from there. No, UVa didn’t all of the sudden start wanting out of state students, 99% of their IDs are fakes. Which is a crime in itself. So yeah, these UVa students are pretty badass by breaking two laws with one stone. Or stupid. Take your pick depending on whether you are over or under 21.
Repercussions: Class C misdemeanor (assuming they don’t catch that you have a fake). But it’s okay, because you will get accepted into the Honor Committee who ironically became notorious for having fakes.
4.) Buying a Bong and Not using it for Tobacco:
Here’s to you folks at Grandmarc. It smells like a bonafide weed plantation. They could go 100 years without smoking weed and you’d still smell it in the halls. If you pick up a piece at Roots, Rock, Reggae or Island Dyes on the Corner and use it not for tobacco (wink wink) then you’re breaking the law.
Repercussions: Well.. technically it’s a misdemeanor for your 1st offense unless its over .5 oz, then it’s a class 5 felony. But, they don’t tend to enforce this one. Just say you need it to get over the anxiety of a UVa Basketball game or having two midterms on the same day. We hear from sources that that works every time.
When you tell that pledge of yours that they have to chug all five pints at Trinity, if it causes “bodily harm” you just broke the law. The law itself is fairly broad about what constitutes illegal hazing so maybe don’t ask your pledge to jump off of Trin’s balcony (it has happened before).
Repercussions: Class 1 misdemeanor. You haven’t graduated to the big boys club of crime, but you are just one step away. Prepare your alternate life as an exotic dancer now.
We all know that no one respects “The Fence.” You know, the ones around the various construction sites that pepper the Corner or the one keeping people off the tracks. It was Trump’s wall before Trump even had the idea to build a wall. If you had a dollar for every time someone broke the fence, Eddy’s Tavern would still be up and operating.
Repercussions: You get hit by a train or are very out of breath when you get to class from running from the cops. Just don’t get caught, this one isn’t usually punished.
1.) Public Urination:
You think it’s all safe and good until you let it out in front of a cop. And then get registered as a sex offender because someone brought their 17 year old friend from high school out to the bars to break number five on our list. Yeah, maybe you should have waited the hour to get into the bathroom.
Repercussions: Depends on how many people saw you and how old they were, but it’s a minimum of a class 4 misdemeanor.
Before you enter each bar, take a moment of silence to remember the degenerates of Wahoo past and hope that if you do it, you aren’t the one who gets caught. But, if your friend does, that would be funny.
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.