What better cure for those post-spring break and beach blues than to score someone’s pot o’ gold this holiday? All you have to do is dye some unmentionables green and you’ll be getting a lot more than pinched. Take our advice and bust out your green spray cans and body paint because this St. Paddy’s Day the greener the better. Take your game to the next level and dye these seven lucky things green for the night of your life.
7.) An Order of Dumplings:
Yeah, that says dumplings. You will definitely attract the attention of your bae by dying their pork pockets of love an eye-catching shade of shamrock green. If you’re feeling extra, feel free to dye the rice/noodles green as well. If you don’t want to weird bae out quite yet, just order the edamame (it’s already green).
6.) Multiple Wahoos:
Nothing is guaranteed to get you luckily laid except for a few Wahoos. You can take this up a notch and request a Slippery Wahoo, which has a shot of 151 in it. Ask the bartender to throw some melon liquor in there and you will certainly be sliding down someone’s rainbow.
5.) Ya Nips:
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Your partner’s stunned face will be pretty hard to forget when you rip off your “Shit Me, I’m Kiss Faced” and reveal blazing green nips. We’d suggest using high quality body paint for your areolas, no one needs a rash on St. Paddy’s. Or try a fine-grain, low abrasion glitter, everyone loves glitter nips. Who could resist?
4.) Homer’s Butt:
One of the most forgotten rules of streaking is that you have to kiss Homer’s ass. It’s slightly difficult to do based on his position, but is a time when you can get closer to your naked streaking partner, especially when Homer’s butt has been dyed green. It’s also a great conversation starter! If he’s not green enough already, pick up a tube of basic Crayola finger paints, and finger that ass green. If we had a nickel for every time we’ve heard that sentence, the first round tonight would be on us.
3.) Bed Sheets:
You have finally sealed the deal…almost. Rolling around in chartreuse sheets will be making you feel so magically delicious, you won’t even need the Lucky Charms.
2.) Down There, Under Where?:
You are not really celebrating the holiday if you haven’t dyed your pubes as green as your beer. If you’re a Ginger though, you can refrain. Unless of course, the carpet doesn’t match the drapes. In which case, you’re on the same playing field as the rest of us. Just do it, most dyes wash out and the residue left on your partner will make for funny pictures the next morning.
When you whip out a green condom, it’s all over. There will be no passing go, because you will already be collecting something a little sweeter than some green bills. Go to www.greencondom.club for all of your St. Patrick’s Day needs. If you already have condoms but they’re not green, take this opportunity to Sharpie those bitches up. Go classic green, or decorate with St. Paddy’s doodles. Only you control your destiny.
St. Patrick’s Day is nothing without the color green. Take this opportunity to really explore how Irish you truly are this year, and dye your pubes. Your mom will love that story.