We’re three weeks away from summer, beach week, and the end of finals which means your year-long hookup is about to come to an end (or at least for three months). It’s time to terminate that shit, and we are dedicated to helping you achieve this with seven practical, yet slightly outlandish, ideas.
7.) Ask to Take Them to Dinner:
This is a surefire way to end any friends with benefits situation. Just pop this question mid-sex and you’ll likely never hear from them again. On the off chance that they say yes, go to a really expensive restaurant and insist that they pay. If that doesn’t grind their gears, nothing will.
6.) Slip a Note in Clem:
While this may be straight out of a middle-schooler’s playbook, it’s rather effective. Simply slip them a note with a dramatic phrase like “it’s over” or “I just can’t.” Not only will they have no desire to dispute something so theatrical, they won’t be able to because you will have hightailed it out of there real quick.
5.) Talk About Food in the Middle of… You Know:
First, if they do not appreciate your love for food then, BOY BYE! Unfortunately, talking about food can be a good way to kill the mood. Bring up your cravings for corned beef and cabbage, onions, or baked beans to really turn the night around. For extra points, tell them you have recently discovered vegetarianism. Ya know, for the animals.
4.) “I want you to meet my dad.”:
If they say yes, they’re batshit and you should run.
3.) Deny Netflix and Chill:
Nothing will piss off your FWB more than saying no to Netflix and chill. Everyone knows that Netflix and chill is the lead-in to other ~sexual~ activities, and if you turn them down it will plant a seed of doubt in their mind, and their dick. That seed will turn into a tree and you should be good to go.
2.) Fake Your Death:
This one is directed towards fourth-years with no chance of spotting each other around Grounds next year after using this tactic. It should only be used in extreme measures, but it’s almost guaranteed to work successfully, especially after you write your own obit and burn it into the Lawn.
1.) Use the Door Code to Get into Their Frat and Shack in Their Bed:
Assuming that they’ve given you the door code, do something borderline psycho and use it to get into their house. Fall asleep in their bed, and when they come home and find you there don’t wake up. Just keep sleeping. In the morning, leave without waking them. If they ever talk to you again, they probably caught feelings and those are gross.
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