Booze Review: Mike’s Hard Lemonade

author-pic at University of Virginia  

Do you like the taste of a nice glass of lemonade but are afraid of being called a little bitch for drinking one? We’re honestly not sure why you would be, but we guess some guy named Mike thought that was a serious issue so they decided to make Mike’s Hard Lemonade. And quite frankly, Mike did a terrible job.

Grade: D+

Smells Like:

Life gave you lemons and you weren’t satisfied, so you spiked them with booze.

Tastes Like:

Minute Maid lemonade mix with some testosterone pills sprinkled in for good measure.

Typical Drinkers:

– Guys whose masculinity is more fragile than their grandma’s china collection.

– Parents who finally gave into their dumb kids’ demands for help making a lemonade stand.

– People who want to get the recommended serving of vitamin C and five times the recommend serving of alcohol at the same time.

– Camp counselors who can’t believe they’re still working the same job.

User Comments:

– “No, honey. This is mommy’s lemonade. Now get back to mowing the lawn.”

– “Honestly, Beyoncé should get into this business. She’d already have the jingle for her drink.”

– “Bro, I could drink like 100 of these, steal your girl, and fight a bear. I’ve got a HUGE penis, too.”

– “Bleh these are terrible! I think I’d rather take a swig of lemon-scented Windex.”

Best Described as a Drink Superior To:

The other varieties of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. And you thought it couldn’t get any worse than this.

How Hard Really is Mike’s Hard Lemonade?:

It’s no harder than any other glass bottle so if you’re trying to knock your enemy out, this will do just as good of a job.

Where’d This Stuff Come From?:

Because of how terrible it is, it comes as no surprise that it was created in Canada.

Ok, But How Much Alcohol is in This?:

About 5%, which is hardly “hard” if you ask us. If anything, it’s a half chub.

We Mixed it With:

Redd’s Apple Ale and made one of the interns drink it until they threw up.