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Dave Matthews Band Ends Racism at Concert for Charlottesville

On September 24, Scott Stadium hosted Concert for Charlottesville, a benefit show organized by the Dave Matthews Band after the tragic events in Charlottesville that occurred August 11 and 12. The concert was a massive success with musical acts like Justin Timberlake, and that guy who makes all the music for Despicable Me bringing an end to racism altogether.

Sources say that attendees learned that we are all human, regardless of our ethnicity or culture. Words like “love,” “peace,” and “unity” were not only hashtagged, but worn on t-shirts as well. Just as Live Aid ended poverty in the 1980s, the benefit concert brought about the complete and total end of all racism in America through hand-holding and love.

“I was always too lazy to attend my local town hall debates to discuss the issues of racism that are found in my community, but I knew that this concert was unlike anything else that had ever happened before. I’m overjoyed that we were able to end racism by jamming out to our favorite DMB tracks,” said one concert-goer, Aaron Thomas.

“Ever since I watched that one documentary on Netflix, 13th, I knew something had to be done. This concert proved to me that standing idly by while celebrities talk about ignoring fascists would be the key to victory,” he continued.

Within minutes of the concert’s end, both the KKK and the alt-right ceased to exist, with Pharrell’s performance of “Get Lucky” completely overpowering their threats of genocide. Rumor has it even local Charlottesville racist and “all-around shit head” Jason Kessler turned over a new leaf.

“I was extremely angry at my daughter’s university for not doing nearly enough to protect her and her classmates that fateful weekend, but Dave Matthews personally told me that I don’t need to send any emails or make any phone calls because he was going to stand outside Teresa Sullivan’s house and play ‘Crash Into Me’ for six hours before the concert,” a proud UVa mom shared with us.

Meanwhile, the issues of affordable housing in Charlottesville, the threat of gentrification, and a statue of a Confederate general all disappeared over night. The city can rest easy knowing that the Robert E. Lee statue no longer has racist connotations and it’s all thanks to Dave.

However, many are still waiting to see if the concert have nationwide and, possibly, international effects.

“As a person of color, Donald Trump’s hate-filled campaign was not only terrifying to me, but also heartbreaking,” said UVa student Kayla James. “I’m hoping he sees a recording of Ariana Grande’s performance on Sunday night, because I know it’ll be the last straw that will stop him from building a wall between us and Mexico.”

“You know, I never considered myself a racist; after all, I got a black friend. But I realized that my old-fashioned views aligned too closely with Richard Spencer’s. I didn’t see anything wrong with it, but the Dave Matthews Band showed me the light, as usual,” said a local Charlottesville former racist.

While the city was looking forward to a night of togetherness and community through music, not everyone was expecting racism to be wiped out entirely. Thanks to Dave Matthews and the Concert for Charlottesville, no one in America will ever have to worry about the threat of racism again.

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