Fuck It: Let’s Rank the Frats!

author-pic at University of Virginia  

Alright motherfuckers, here it is. We know you’ve been waiting for it. Let’s do this!

1.) Phi Society:

That’s right, Phi Society takes home the coveted spot of number one fraternity at UVa. If you have to ask why you clearly aren’t good enough to know. Hell yeah, Phi Society, you won for all the right reasons. 

2.) Fiji:

So close, Fiji, you were so close. A wise man once said “First is the worst, second is the best” so to that guy, you’re the real MVP. You fucking did the damn thing. No one wants all the notoriety that comes with being number one anyway, too much pressure and there’s no room for upward mobility. So here ya go Fiji, you earned it. 

3.) DU:

Ain’t nobody messin with DU around here. If you listened to that wise guy from number 2, then you’ll be happy to know that DU is the one with the treasure chest. Mhm, ya fucking killed it DU, and we all knew you’d be here, holding bronze, when push came to shove. 

4.) Pi Lambda Phi:

As if anyone else on this list could have possibly been fourth place. Well done, Pi Lam, you’ve really made it in the world. You’ve got it all, and you know what we mean when we say all. You pushed a few real contenders out of the way to make it into the top half of this list, and for that, we commend you bros. 

5.) Sigma Pi:

Ain’t no party like a Sigma Pi party cuz a Sigma Pi party don’t stop (wut wut). That’s right, sittin’ pretty in the number five is none other than Sigma mothafuckin’ Pi. They’re great, they’re fratty (the frattiest perhaps), and they’ve got it all figured out, sitting miles above the number six and seven spots. Kudos to you, dudos.

6.) Theta Chi:

LETS GOOOOOO Theta Chi! Welcome to the top, my guys, you’ve made it into the top 10 fraternities at this great university. Why are you here, you may ask? Because where the fuck else would ya be, you silly billies? Did you know that the number six is the sexiest number in all the English alphabet? We sure as hell did, ya studs. 

7.) Zeta Psi:

Go Zete, motherfucker, go Zete! We hear you, boyfrands and we’re right here wit ya. You made the top ten, but it’s not like anyone ever doubted you’d be here. There you go, sittin at lucky number seven like the great kings you are. Everyone thought Henry VIII was the big man around town, but we all know it was Henry VII who really had it poppin. 

8.) Trigon:

How could we ever forget about the engineers? Answer: we couldn’t! We made sure to put you all at an even number, we know how odd doesn’t really sit well with you all. What’s the Trigon chant again? Trigon Trigon Trigon! Get a math problem wrong and what do you do? Try-agon! WOOOO!

9.) Kappa Alpha Order:

You know what order we like? Yours, KA! Nine is a beautiful number, matched only be 167 which we never thought we’d get to! You go KA! Nine is divisible by three, and the only other number up here that could do that is number six. You’re unique and beautiful, like mighty rivers and sloping valleys. 

10.) Beta Theta Pi:

Drumroll please, ladies and gentlemen, as we reveal the majestic men of Beta. Let’s give it up for the number ten spot on your list. They perfectly round out our careful selection of the greatest fraternities on Grounds with a standing ovation from the crowd. We wish we could someday know how great it must feel to be Beta. 

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