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Going Nuts: The UVa Squirrel Occupancy

Consider this a Public Service Announcement: Squirrels are evil.


Every bad event that has happened to you on UVa Grounds is most assuredly a squirrel’s fault. The sheer number of their population is enough to give even the most resolute macho man reason to squeal and run. They are coming for you…they want your food, your housing, and your NetBadge username and password. You know the Honor Code—don’t give in to them.


For nature has devised in the squirrel a cunning creature of almost unthinkable creative potential, much like your friend’s Media Studies group project partner, but definitely not yours. The squirrel would like you to think that they are your friends, they have even written books to this length: but make no mistake, Edgar the squirrel is no friend of yours. 


When you walk across McCormick and you see the squirrels merrily hop along the sidewalk, be wary because this is what they look like as they observe you. Their recordings of our migratory patterns from building to building are charted in their squirrel headquarters with the times respective to each week day. This is why you never catch the bus when you race outside, the drivers were bribed with acorns and promises of life in the Bahamas.


If you didn’t get into the ultimate Frisbee league, before contemplating your life decisions with your choice of “sport” you enjoy, think about what fuzzy creatures are always on the field near you while you play.


Consider what animals you see hopping along the stoplights as you wait on Emmet Street at the light that never changes. The squirrels want to see you at your grouchiest: unable to get to Harris Teeter to buy food.


They are quietly biding their time, waiting for you to forget about them altogether so that soon they can take over the university. Imagine the Lawn like a forest, no longer is it one of the “best public places”; but instead it’s a leafy and nutty emporium for these bastards. Or think about what the Amphitheater might look like, covered in acorn flags and bird feeders. Should we let UVa be turned into a squirrel haven? We must think about the future and be prepared, should they start making more moves.


The squirrels’ attention to detail and ways of infiltrating the system make them nothing less than the UVa Illuminati; but here the average Cavalier might have an advantage. We know now that they are watching us, we know that they steal our clothes while we’re streaking with their deft little squirrel claws and that they shake the trees so that nuts fall onto our heads as we walk to Alderman library. As such, we must not let on that we know that they are watching us. Keep on Yik Yaking. Keep on correcting First Years who call it “campus.” Keep on dressing classy and being bad-asses. You’ll never know when you’ll need your ninja skills obtained from Thomas Jefferson’s diary, because a movement may be coming and, like all great revolutions, it starts and ends with nuts.

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