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5 Ways to Gracefully Quit Your UVa Clubs at the End of the Semester

Spring is here. Love is apparently in the air. We know, because people who feel the emotion commonly referred to as “love” informed us. So, if it’s so beautiful outside and you’re very busy copulating when you’re inside, why are you still in that dumb club you signed up for in your first year? Maybe someone in your parkour club became sexually active, and we all know that’s against your constitution’s membership requirements. Only the celibate can climb a two-foot wall. Regardless, removing yourself from these situations can be hard. Here are some tips to help you out.

5.) Give No Warning Whatsoever:
Advance notice is for professionals and cancer. In this dog eat dog school, you don’t leave a note, you don’t leave a voicemail and you definitely don’t send an email. During your next meeting, you say you’re going out for a pack of cigarettes and just never come back. Just like, Dad. 

4.) Stop Showing Up Entirely:
Ghosting. It’s a classic method for modern dating and relationships. Isn’t that what a club is at the end of the day? It’s just a relationship with a bunch of people. Their numbers give them strength though, so you’ll have to take ghosting to a whole other level. Their members are everywhere and you never know when you might run into one of them (especially if you’re quitting FYP, those fuckers are omnipresent, thank God they never staged a coup). We suggest disguises or becoming a hermit in the Blue Ridge Mountains until everyone you ever knew in the club has graduated.



3.) Insult the Leadership of the Club:
They say breakups are easier if you’re mad at the person, and you don’t want your superior to miss you. Personally attacking each and every last member of an exec board is the fastest way to leave with no hard feelings. If you’re a support officer, tell the Honor Chair his face is an honor offense. If you’re a Guide, tell the Grand Wizard that they gave a mediocre tour and are not as personable as they thought. If you’re in a minority rights association, why are you quitting, there is a real war for rights being fought in this country right now you idiot!

2.) Intentionally Ruin Events:
If you’re trying to phase out of a fraternity or sorority without getting those annoying emails to reactivate or consider paying dues, consider leaving a path of death and destruction in your wake. Throwing a kegger? Poison the keg. Throwing a chicken-based philanthropy event? Put highly potent laxatives in the chicken. Have a formal to attend? Steal the aux cord and put on Cotton Eyed Joe on a loop. Trust us, they will never invite you back to an event ever again.

1.) Show Up Trashed to Every Meeting:
This is just called sensible practice if you’re graduating. It’s ridiculous for anyone to expect you to not consume illegal substances in front of him or her; you’re about to leave this beautiful university forever! Go full hedonism and just explore what it means to hit rock bottom of a bender. You can’t keep someone who’s broken inside on your board/committee/singing group, it’s impossible.

If you really don’t know how to to break it to the Knitting Club that you’ve run out of yarn and patience, then hopefully all of this was helpful. If not, we’ll catch ya at Michael’s in the yarn aisle. 

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