How To: Pick Up UVa Alumni During Homecoming

author-pic at University of Virginia  

Single, successful UVa men and women of all ages and majors will return to Charlottesville for Homecomings this weekend. For those of you who are looking for someone more sophisticated, dashing, and stable than the rando you bring home from Trinity every weekend, we’ve complied a list of DOs and DON’Ts for picking up a nice catch while out at bars this weekend…

DO: Class it up a little

Ladies, skip out on the black crop top and booty shorts. Fellas, leave your beer-drenched Sperrys and backwards Patagonia hats at home. If any of you want to get yourself a young alumni, you have to act the part. These people have been in the real world. They’ve been on real dates at fancy restaurants where you’re not allowed to bend over and show butt cheeks while violently thrusting your pelvis. Pick an outfit that says “I might be young, but I’m complex as shit, and my body is ready.”

DON’T: Get trashed

Speaking of class, don’t be a drunk THOT. Young alumni use their six figure salaries, courtesy of their trusty UVa degrees, to buy expensive international wines and host dinner parties. They will certainly be turned off by your drunk stumbling and stammering. Take a chill pill and wait a little longer between each of the tequila shots you take. This says, “I know how to have fun, but I also know my limits.” They’ll want to marry you right on the spot.

DO: Fake it ‘til you make it

We’re not saying you should lie, because Honor Code, but it wouldn’t hurt to embellish the truth about yourself. It takes a lot to get a young alumni going. If all of your cheesy pick up lines fail, and your looks aren’t enough to get someone to go home with you, tell them you live on The Lawn. A true Wahoo, no matter the age, can’t resist a solid bucket list achievement. We mean “fornicating in a Lawn room,” of course. It’s not on the UVa official “Blah Blah Blah Things To Do Before You Graduate” list, but it’s an unspoken goal everyone has. Just the thought of “doing it” in a Lawn room will cause your young alumni to immediately close their bar tab and follow you outside. Hopefully they’ll be drunk enough to not realize you’re actually walking to your apartment on 14th street and not The Lawn.

DON’T: Talk about kid stuff

While young alumni will always love a UVa, they don’t miss the bullshit classes or #TSullyProbz. Avoid talking about these things at all costs. They’ll just see you as a little kid, and no one in their right mind is trying to be a pedophile. Instead, talk about your future plans. Don’t have any future plans? Play up your “stay at home parent” qualities. Casually mention your cooking abilities and what color your dream minivan will be. Can’t cook for shit and would never be caught dead in a minivan? You’re all out of options. Charm them with your honesty about the sad excuse of a human you are. Honesty points are thing, people.

DO: Dig for treasure

It might take some work, but sift through the young alumni who aren’t rich. You need someone who is stable enough that they can at least buy you Bodos on your walk of shame the next morning. The rich ones can be hard to spot, but they tend to have nice watches/jewelry and tattoos on their foreheads that say “I graduated from McIntire.” You might even be able to sucker them into buying you a coffee when you’re hating your life and wishing you could turn the sunlight down a few levels.