Charlottesville – Sources close to Kurt Benkert’s camp announced today that, in light of Christian McCaffrey and other college football players skipping their bowl games to begin prep for the NFL draft, he too would skip out on college football Bowl Season.
“Right now in my career, I’m seeing more and more that the CFB Bowl Series is more for pomp and circumstance than it is good for my career,” Benkert told reporters Tuesday morning. “It’s like the Pro Bowl or the prison industrial complex, good for brands and money-makers, but quite literally meaningless to the players on the field.”
When faced with questions that it didn’t matter if he was deciding to skip his team’s appearance in a 2016 Bowl Game didn’t matter because his team, in fact, did not make it into a Bowl Game, Benkert appeared perplexed.
“I don’t think you guys are seeing the forest from the trees here,” he argued. “I know it’s hard for you to understand, but again, I’m not letting whatever happened on the field dictate my future. Which is what I need to focus on right now.”
“I’m not playing in a Bowl Game, and that’s final. I’ve made my decision, and I need to start working on my DRAFT prep.” Benkert then donned a set of sunglasses, dropped the mic, and stormed off.
Upon further research, it became clear Benkert is studying for the Dental Research And Foundation Test, an introductory exam that decides one’s placement into dental school.
People can’t be bothered to drink Four Loko anymore, they just eat it.