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Second Years Denied from the Comm School Should Sue for Discrimination

It’s the time of year when for some UVa students, they can proudly and pretentiously announce to anyone who asks (and several who do not) that they’ve been admitted to the McIntire School of Commerce or the Batten School of who tf knows, while for those not admitted to their first choice it’s a time to declare a new major.

Johnny Pembermill, a brave second year who was rejected from the Comm School, Batten, PPL, and Global Security and Justice even though his dad works for a very nice company where he interned over the summer, thinks he should sue university on the grounds of emotional distress and discrimination.

“This university only rewards students who ‘work hard’ and ‘apply themselves’ after they’ve been accepted,” said Pembermill, the straight white male claiming discrimination. “It’s not enough just to get accepted into UVa, you have to actually do well here to be able to major in something cool.”

Instead of planning a lawsuit, others students who found themselves in the same position have been found begging the heads of the economics and politics departments to let them declare even though they haven’t fulfilled their pre-reqs.

“This is all totally bogus. I should be able to come in as a business major and spend the best four years of my life drinking with my bros while barely coasting by on a C average,” Pembermill continued while ripping off his clip-on tie. “That’s what my friends at Duke are doing, dammit!”

Unfortunately for Pembermill, the lawsuit has been dropped rather quickly after his lawyer (who, is his uncle) claimed Pembermill is a “self-entitled, pompous asshole.”

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