Top 5 Totally “Legal” Stimulants to Keep You Alive During Finals

author-pic at University of Virginia  

Welcome to the thunderdome of finals. For those of you who are thunder-done with the semester on Tuesday, we hope you die a fiery death and gain 20 pounds over the break. Looking at you Jimmy. We know you took all seminars and worked ahead on your papers so you could leave Grounds two weeks earlier than the rest of us, but you don’t have to be such an ass about it.

To the rest of you poor saps, here is what you’re going to do to survive: Get really, really high on stimulants.

5.) Caffeine:

Ah, the Starbucks of stimulants. Always available, always a little overpriced, and never really satisfying you completely. But it never quite fills the hole that finals keeps digging. Caffeine, shall we say, is only for mild cases of finals despair. If you’re really in trouble, you’re going to need something much stronger.

4.) 5-Hour Energy:

We don’t really know what’s in these concoctions. We aren’t chemistry majors and its ridiculous that it takes a Ph.D to know how and why a 5-Hour keeps you awake. But man, does it it really get you going through an all-nighter at Clem, or each of your roommates’ sexual conquests. Even through the train loudly passing through town, inviting you to throw yourself upon the tracks and escape this sleepless nightmare. There is no escape from the 5-Hour, but man do you earn that A.

3.) The Blood of a Newborn:

This is probably the most difficult to acquire of all the items on this list, but is surprisingly the most legal. You gotta get you some blood. A lot of that blood. You could rob the hospital, you could pull off a cool train heist and rob the Red Cross, you could even call in a favor from a particularly healthy friend. Anything to get some of that tasty red freedom. There might be a body count. Your friends might be among them. Even if its medicinal powers are “completely fictional,” you definitely won’t be able to sleep after the horrors you commit while acquiring the red stuff.

2.) Adderall:

You all already have this from your doctors, so we won’t waste your precious procrastination time with a case for this drug. Instead, we’re going to focus on how to dodge interventions. Knowing your friends know you have a problem is half the battle. If you can predict them, you can avoid them. The first warning sign is when they start asking to hang out with you. That’s a trap. They aren’t really your friends. The second is if your significant other keeps trying to get you alone in your bedroom naked. That’s just a ruse, designed to let them check you for pills and drugs. Don’t ever undress in front of anyone, especially the people who love you the most. Trust no one. Keep your drugs safe, they’ll keep you alive.

1.) Cocaine:

Okay, so lets get this out of the way: we are not openly advocating for the consumption of an illegal drug. We are advocating for the consumption of the illegal drug. It’s some good shit. The best. Truly the best. Ask any of our friends here at UVa. Ask anyone in our addict support group. Ask the entirety of the ravaged communities this drug has left broke and going through withdrawal. It is truly *sniff* superb. 

So when finals have you down don’t worry, cause we’re pretty sure we’ve just listed all the things that will keep your spirits up, up, UP to see the end of them.

Yeah, we’ve all got D.A.D.S., just maybe not the kind you were thinking of: