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First Year Stoners Rush to Find New Smoke Spot After Trees Behind CDF Chopped Down

 

Early this week, bulldozers arrived and plowed down several of the large trees behind Fitzhugh, Dunglison, and Courtenay. This lack of forestry has displaced dozens of “kush enthusiasts” who are now scramble to try to find a new place to light up.

“The woods behind CDF was the perfect place to smoke”, says John Park, a resident of Dunglison and avid pot smoker. “The trees provided the perfect cover, and since no one gives a fuck about CDF, we could do whatever we wanted back there.”  

CDF, affectionately referred to as the “motel dorms,” are undisputedly the worst place to live on grounds. However, their location makes the woods behind these dorms very accessible to those who enjoy smoking pot. Park, along with his classmates, are attempting to maintain a positive attitude ing light of the removal of their beloved trees. 

“The extra feet I will have to walk to a new smoke spot are unfortunate, but it’s nothing that we as a community can’t overcome,” stated Julia Clarr, another first year. “My parents pay $50,000 a year for me to come here, so not living my college experience to the fullest just isn’t an option.”  

With the large number of pastel shorts wearing students walking around Grounds, removing a location will not stop the use of everyone’s favorite recreational drug. The first years with their 4.0 GPAs and perfect scores on the SATs plan to find a new location that rivals the old.

“I’m actually pre-comm, so this is basic problem solving,” interjected Henry River while wearing a suit for no apparent reason. “As a member of the consulting club here, I am constantly faced with challenges that must be overcome. I feel in this situation, we just need to look at the bigger picture.” 

“If I can’t find a new spot to smoke this 4/20, I just don’t know what I would do,” Clarr retorted. “A 4/20 uncelebrated would cause more upheaval than the shocking news that UVa gives priority to rich students.”

While students try to keep their attitudes mellow, the stress of being in 24 clubs that never meet really takes a toll on the student population. If  a new spot isn’t located soon, students may have to resort smoking in their dorm rooms with open windows and Febreze.

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