For the 27th year in a row, U.S. News and World Report has ranked the University of Virginia in the top 3 public universities in the nation. Unsurprisingly, Virginia’s maroon-headed stepchild, Virginia Tech, was ranked 69th on the list of national universities (25th in public universities), an embarrassingly low but accurate assessment. Here are some other ways to interpret these newest rankings:
5.) UVa is the 3rd best public university and the 25th best national university overall:
No matter who we compare ourselves to, that’s still really fucking cool. We’re all blessed to be here, yadda yadda yadda, bottom line is we did a nice job and now we get to hold it over Tech for another year (or until they try to come back at us when they beat us at football and act like that makes their degrees more valuable somehow).
4.) Tech is 23x worse than UVa:
And that math was done by a UVa engineer, which is why it’s correct and why we’re number 3 (fuck off UCLA and Berkeley). To focus on the positive, one could say UVa has 23x better professors, 23x more beautiful campus, 23x the amount of successful students. Cut the pie however you’d like, math is math.
3.) 66 schools separate Tech from UVa in order of greatness:
But we don’t wanna make Tech feel bad. Here are some of the schools that came in before Tech, and some of them are real winners: University of Rochester (home of Rocky the Yellowjacket), Brigham Young University (go Courgars), and of course we can’t forget the University of Pittsburgh and their mascot, Roc.
2.) UVa is 2 schools away from being on top, Tech is 68 schools away:
Here we’ll take a moment to appreciate UCLA and UC Berkeley, the two schools tied for first place public universities. It must be something about that California sunshine or UCLA’s booming cadaver sales profits they pump into their curricula (that dead body thing was real, check it out). Either way they beat us both out, Tech, but one of us was significantly closer to snatching the title.
1.) If Tech adds their school ranking to their number of national titles, they’re still left with 69:
And that’s just funny for so many reasons.
All five of these reasons are funny on their own, but still the funniest part of all of this is that Tech was ranked 69. 69 haha! AND they can’t even call that spot their own, since they tied with five OTHER schools.
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