UVa Majors Renamed to Fit What They Actually Are

author-pic at University of Virginia  

Some Wahoos are traditional in their belief that a college major is what you are going to do professionally for the rest of your life. Other Wahoos, including us at The Black Sheep, know that a major can tell you so much more about a person than their future career. It can tell you the innermost secrets of their psyche, and what keeps them drinking their sorrows away every Thursday. Here is a glimpse at what UVa majors would be called if they accurately revealed students’ secrets.

9.) Philosophy – Wannabe Lipster:

In other words, they want to be a lawyer or a hipster. You can find them either working their butt off to convince their parents it’s a profitable major, or discussing with the local Starbucks barista why they should make their coffee organic.

8.) Batten – The So Not Generous Volunteers:

They want to “volunteer” their way to a lawn room, and think this is the best way to show they have the “character” to do so. Or they’re so obsessed with the past years of basketball that they will do anything possible to follow Malcolm Brogdon’s path at UVa.

7.) Comm – The Supposed “Realists”:

They just want to graduate with a job, they don’t care if they hate it. Or they think that the activities in Wolf of Wall Street are still legal and they want to give it a go. C’mon, no one’s had a lude in, like, 30 years.

6.) Nursing – The Opportunistic Realists:

Like comm school, they also mostly just want a job. But, they want a job where they will be praised for helping others; depending on the day their desire to help might be sincere.

5.) Classics – Belle from Beauty and the Beast:

They are idealists who want to get paid to read books. Their favorite hobbies from this century are YouTube and Reddit, where they can ironically navigate better than the media studies majors. Also, do not try to tell them about how you love Twilight and think it’s a classic, we’ve heard. Speaking from experience, you will be deader than a Hokie on Thanksgiving.

4.) Engineering – Your Future Sugar Daddies/Mommas:

They hate themselves, and they hate their lives. But, future gold diggers where you at? At least they have something to look forward to.

3.) Media Studies – Meme Supremes:

This was the fancy term UVa replaced the communications major with. The students in this major can be lumped into three groups: 1.) those who want to be in a Hollywood related business. 2.) those on the cutting edge of technology and PR in regards to media   3.) those with a face for the radio, but still secretly wish they could do Hollywood things.

2.) Medieval & Renaissance Concentration – Tyrion Lannister:

Yes, this is a real major at UVa. We will be really ashamed in the curriculum of this major if it doesn’t teach students to quote Game of Thrones and the books that the show is based on. Also, they’re just like any English major, expect them to over-play with semantics.

1.) Computer Science – The Vampires:

We know engineers don’t tan because of their workload and we haven’t seen too many out during the day, but what about computer science kids? What’s their excuse? We imagine that the “computer science major” is a front for vampires that want to live in peace, and use “coding” as a cover for experimenting with the test subjects UGuides provide.

If you’re a first year trying to figure out your major, let this be your guide to what life will be like. If you’re already set in your major, know that your secrets have been exposed and you can now be free. 

WATCH: We hit the streets of Chicago’s St. Patty’s Day Parade to see how woke people were.