It seems that the University of Virginia has decided to suddenly and dramatically increase its student body population over the next two weeks. Many new and confused faces can be seen walking around Grounds while referring to them as “the campus.”
This new class of students seem to only be able to travel in packs. Large groups of about 50 can be seen meandering around the lawn, amphitheater, and Peabody at any given time.
“The fuck is going on?” asked second year Aaron Hersh. “Exams are in like two weeks, I don’t understand why there are so many smiling, hopefully looking people walking around.”
It seems that these newcomers have also each attached themselves to a current student. It remains unclear whether the furious gesturing and the constant speech of this student is an attempt by he or she to drive the students away. We are hoping to form a support system or “service” for these afflicted students in the coming weeks.
“I mean, it’s pretty apparent that UVa is making an attempt to diversify, but not in the way the student body has been demanding,” said fourth year Addie Lazzell. “UVa is taking diversity in a new direction and trying to battle ageism, look at all the youths! These kids are like, 8.”
Only time will tell what the fate of these new “students” will be. Though it seems one thing is for sure: the drawstrings on all of their matching backpacks will break upon the weight of the first chemistry textbook they purchase.
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