Let’s be real here: no one cares at all about the Western Michigan whale. It simply doesn’t have any significance nor even any humor involved with it. Everyone thought that it was kind of interesting upon orientation, but now it’s got to go. Here are five perfect places Western can place the whale:
5.) Inside MacCracken Hall:
For some ridiculous reason, the abandoned MacCracken Hall is still not yet demolished. Therefore, the crumbling, old whale should just be moved inside the building since it’ll get destroyed at some point too. The front doors may be locked, but they can always flop the whale on a truck and ram it right through the threshold. The whale will add to the trash that covers every square inch inside the abandoned hellhole.
4.) An ACTUAL playground:
Every so often, Western’s campus becomes a playground for zany and boozed-up freshman. Many of them drunkenly jump around on the whale and make themselves look like dumb kids. The whale might as well be in a playground for actual children rather than getting pissed on all throughout the night by rowdy baby Broncos. It should be placed in La Crone playground off William Street or Upjohn Playground on Walter Street so that it can be pissed on by young, aspiring Broncos still in diapers.
3.) Student ghetto:
This student community has gotten a bad reputation over the years with various robberies and bums, so it could definitely use a friendlier and more welcoming atmosphere. Placing the whale in the middle of the street on Wheaton Avenue to greet all the student residents and potential renters. The crumbling whale will match the area and will create a happier and more fun environment for many Broncos to get reckless all throughout the school year.
2.) Throw pieces at people from Central:
All the Chip trash will soon meet with us on Nov 1,t and Western must greet them with as much disrespect and savagery as possible. Western should demolish the whale and throw thick and heavy chunks of the remaining pieces at any Chippewa that comes into sight. This will have the Chips crying more than the scoreboard, and send the whale off in a way that would make it proud.
1.) The Parking Services Building:
Ah yes, the useless building that has screwed over so many Broncos and taken so much money from them will finally meet its end. The “service” building and the whale are both equally useless, so this is a perfect opportunity for both. The whale should be demolished and reassembled right at the front door, so that there is no way of anyone having the ability to walk in. No one will be able to work inside, pay tickets, or have to wait in line for visitor passes. Here, the whale will truly have found purpose.
Don’t let the whale fool you into thinking it’s a unique and artful piece of Western’s campus, because it’s not! The only animals that deserve to roam throughout campus will always be the Broncos, so it’s time for this beached whale to swim home.
Swim into our podcast…