Michigan has some of the coldest and harshest winters, but also some of the most humid summers. While the humidity might not reach the levels of a Mississippi or Florida, Michigan is still warm enough to the point where it’s hard to just exist outside for longer than 20 seconds. While everyone has their own ways of dealing with humidity, we’ve drummed up 5 sure-fire ways to forever escape human condensation.
5.) Bring a dehumidifier everywhere you go:
You may have one of these bad boys running in your home, but you’ll need to carry around this modern marvel in order to completely devoid yourself of the sticky Michigan atmosphere. This thing literally sucks the water out of the air. So just make sure you have a buddy with you to carry the generator you’ll need for continuous power.
4.) Rip your skin off:
It’s great when you step outside on a humid Michigan day and are instantly covered in a layer of dew. You wish to stay cool and ripping your skin off would help with that. Tear all your flesh off and store it away for winter. You’ll look like a veiny abomination, but you’ll be cool and possibly even die, which means no more humidity!
3.) Drain all the lakes:
Unlike America apparently, everything is great about the Great Lakes — except for the humidity that comes as a result. So it’s time to find those giant plugs at the bottom of every lake and have all the water fall into the depths of the earth. Having no more drinking water is a viable solution to sweat not dripping down the crevice of your back and into your butthole.
2.) Live underwater:
If coordinating an effort to drain all the lakes in Michigan seems like too nuanced of a task, there is always the route of making a lake your home. Humidity is already trying to turn you into a human puddle so why not just go full circle and live completely underwater. Build an underwater city or live in a submarine, either way you’ll be escaping the suffocating grasp of the silent killer that is humidity.
1.) Don’t drink any water:
So water is essential to human life, huh? Water is also what gets sucked from your soon to be corpse whenever you step outside so what’s the point of even putting it into your body in the first place. Come summer time, devoid yourself of any fluids and you’ll have beaten humidity once and for all. You’ll be a tad dehydrated but, whatever, like that even matters right?
People from states like Florida and Alabama that have humidity nearly year round probably look at Michiganders like they are a bunch of whiny bitches, but they deal with it constantly and are probably immune to it. Escape may seem futile, but it is possible. You just need some drive and commitment to survive Michigan’s summer humidity.
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