Kalamazoo has a trendy new cat cafe creatively named KZoo Cat Café, which leads to the question, how do you use this cat cafe to gain a quick profit versus the cafe making money off of you? The owners of the cafe claim the point is to find permanent homes for these shelter cats, but you know that it’s all a sham to pry dough away from you. It’s time to fight the system, one feline at a time.
5.) Create and sell a cat’s backstory:
People love tales of hardship and overcoming obstacles, so one way to make a quick dollar from the cat cafe is to pick one of the cats and create an interesting backstory to sell online. Maybe this cat had to work two jobs to support its younger siblings while attending night school. It doesn’t matter because people will eat up whatever you choose.
4.) Use a cat disguise to get adopted by a wealthy KZoo family:
A little far fetched, sure, but not if you have an extremely convincing cat get-up. Somehow, get yourself inside the cat cafe as a shelter cat and patiently wait for someone with money to adopt you. It’s a crapshoot on whether or not the family is wealthy, but you’ll be able to be lazy and eat all of the luxury cat-food and lasagna you want.
3.) Create a rival cat cafe:
KZoo Cat Cafe is stupid because there’s a 15 person limit, and once inside you only have a block of two hours. They say they do this so they don’t “overwhelm the cats,” but who cares about the cats? It’s all about raking in the dough and profiting off these animals. So get rid of the time and people limit with a new cat cafe and drive KZoo Cat Cafe into the ground.
2.) Steal the litter boxes:
There’s a market for every sexual fetish, and someone has to cater to all those perverse sexual deviants out there. One fetish has individuals laying in a kitty litter box and having litter poured over their naked bodies. Apparently it’s extra sexy, too, if the litter has cat shit in it. Stealing the litter boxes from the cafe and selling them at top market value will really help pad your wallet while helping out weirdos who just need to get that cat-scat fix.
1.) Pick a cat to make Instagram famous:
Reaping the benefits of an Instagram famous cat is nothing new, but it is still a great way to make easy money. Make sure the cat you steal or adopt from the cafe is either really cute or has some birth defect that makes it not look like every other goddamn cat or else you won’t get the likes and follows needed. Before you know it you’ll have an Instagram famous cat with sponsor deals with Iams and Fancy Feast. Even better, you won’t have to split the profits with the cat because, well, it’s a cat.
Too many people think that KZoo Cat Cafe is meant to help find homeless cats owners. Well, it’s time to think outside the litter box, people. Use these pussies to your advantage and make mad stacks from exploiting these innocent furry creatures.
Listen to our podcast!