Now that everyone has been moved into their dorms for a couple weeks, it’s probably becoming apparent to tenants that your Bronco Buddy may have accidentally left out a few pieces of key information. The Black Sheep doesn’t want freshman going a whole year without fully understanding what lies ahead, so here is the much-needed list of advice the Bronco Buddies forgot to provide:
7.) “Yelling Back at Flagpole Preachers Will Change Their Beliefs!”:
When they hand off the bible, give them season two of the Big Bang Theory on DVD. You can learn about Jesus, and they can watch actors fumble through a laugh track while pretending to be nerds. All of the world’s problems will be solved, and you can go home knowing they got SCHOOLED!
6.) “Actually, the Chemistry Building is Located in McCracken Hall”:
If the door is locked, just keep tugging. It’ll open someday. Either that, or try out the rooftop — sometimes professors hold class up there instead. I just wouldn’t go in the basement.
5.) “One Bus Ride to Parkview and Back Everyday is Equal to One Shower”:
There’s nothing like the smell of a sweaty Bronco. Best travel times come around 5:30 p.m., when all the seats are taken and everyone’s been there a full day. There’ll be enough engineers standing around to give a complete full body dosage that has been described as “repugnant.”
4.) “Oh, Don’t Worry, the Western Heights Floor Mom Will Clean the Bathrooms”:
Last night’s puke may reek of Den Pop and tequila now, but just let it set. An eager custodian will be along shortly to assist you. Of course, that only applies if you live in Western Heights. Valley kids, you’re on your own.
3.) “Everyone’s Roommate Seems a Little Murdery at First. It’s Just Part of the Fun!”:
I know it’s tough being in a new place all by yourself. Just try not to be alarmed by the multiple “Why So Serious?” Joker posters over his desk. Just don’t touch his copy of American Psycho on Blu-Ray and everything will be grand.
2.) “You’re Totally Good for Staying With Your High School Sweetheart Instead of Saddling Up With a Bronco”:
Plenty of people meet their soulmate at age 15, so don’t take that promise ring off just yet! There’s nobody interesting here anyways, so you won’t be missing much at all on those long drives back home every weekend.
1.) “Moving Out Will Be So Much Easier”:
All of us will definitely be back to help move you out, and the elevator will be working fine in Ackley for sure, don’t even bother calling mom and dad. We have your back!
If anyone’s Bronco Buddy left this information out, welcome to enlightenment. These tools can be the difference between making it out of here in four years or dropping out in a semester, so heed them well, and have a great year!