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Bronco Sophomore Gripped By Terror of Having to Watch Cotton Bowl Sober

Western Michigan University sophomore Terry Blacksmouth fears he’ll be sober when the Western Michigan Broncos square off against The Wisconsin Badgers in the 2017 Cotton Bowl.

“I was thinking, like, dude,” Blacksmouth noted, “I’m definitely gonna be back in Battle Creek for the game, and,” he stuttered, “it’s on, like, a Monday, and, like, it’s at 1p.m., so like…”

Blacksmouth isn’t alone in his fears, as WMU students campuswide are beginning to realize the Cotton Bowl’s date and time impede on watching the game inebriated.

“I mean, I’ma get tore up on New Year’s Eve,” Blacksmouth stated, “then I’ll probably sleep it off on Sunday, but what if my booze connect is out of town? Or, what if Tim and Peter have to work? I’m not going to slam Busch Lights in my basement alone, but I definitely wanna get lit for this game, you know?”

Many Western Michigan students have considered returning to Kalamazoo to watch the game, but Blacksmouth, and many other students like him, don’t have that option.

“Valleys is closed, man,” he notes, “I don’t know any upperclassmen, either. What? I’m gonna hang outside The Den and see if I can crash some party?  Actually…”

For Blacksmouth, the situation could only become more dire under a single circumstance.

“I mean, I’m going to try to get bombed for this game,” the sophomore claims, “but if I can’t I’ll—wait, what if I have to watch it with my parents?”



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