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Here’s How You Find Your Way Home After Waking Up Pantsless on the Roof of the Grotto


Dammit! Not again! You’ve found yourself in a sticky situation. You woke up after a night of possibly being iced and curved and now you’re on the roof of the Grotto with no phone, no wallet, and no pants. Don’t panic, though, that’ll only make your hangover worse. Follow these five steps to navigate your way back home.

Step 1: Quickly snag that hangover breakfast special:

Half off everything on Sunday. ‘Nuff said. Before trucking over to find your way back home, start it off right with a cheap breakfast that will hopefully erase that excruciating headache of yours and give you strength for the long journey! Some advice: always keep a soggy $5 bill in your sock for emergencies like these. Also, ya might wanna snag a Western flag to use as temporary pants.

Step 2: Bathe in the Campus Court pool:

Eventually you’ll want to hitchhike, but no one is going to pick up a disgusting looking guy that smells like shrimp and vomit. Safely cross the street over to Lafayette and then it’s up to you to work your way to the Campus Court pool. Embrace the cool chlorine as it makes you feel somewhat better. If possible, seek out a floaty and lay out for a while before someone kicks you out. You deserve it.

Step 3: Flag down any car you see, preferably Jimmy John’s delivery drivers:

Now that you’re somewhat more freshly groomed than you were twenty minutes ago, it’s time to walk back down Lafayette into town and work some magic.  Use that hitchhiker’s thumb like there’s no tomorrow and pray to God someone will take pity on you. You’ll have a much higher chance of flagging down a Jimmy John’s delivery guy from across the street so you should take full advantage of that if you’re still hungry.

Step 4: Take that longboard:

You either puked in the backseat or the Jimmy John’s guy had to make a stop at Greenwood, so now you must take matters into your own hands. There’s bound to be a longboard lying around somewhere. That thing is your blessing from above. No matter how abysmal you may feel, get on that thing and pump those legs back to the Arbs where your drunk ass belongs.

Step 5: Arrive home and realize that you don’t have your keys:

You should’ve known this from the start! You better hope that your roommate is in there, then politely bang on the door repeatedly until they answer. If that door opens, you’re in luck! Now you have a day-drinking buddy, so kindly ask him to give you a ride back to the bar for round two!

No days off, dude! Keep the streak going but make sure your day and night is bigger and better than ever. They all say that the easiest way to get rid of a hangover is to keep drinking. Look in the mirror and understand that you go to Western for a reason! Of course, however, be sure to keep those pants on.

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