After waiting patiently for years, students at WMU can finally feast on delicious family-value supporting chicken right here in the Kalamazoo area. Chick-fil-A opened this past week on South Westnedge in Portage, MI. Several students camped out outside the restaurant with the promise that the first customers would receive free chicken.
“My bros and I camped out all week!” said Mitt McCain, a senior at WMU. “Except Sunday of course. We had to go to church. But then we were right back at it!”
McCain’s friend, Peter McConnell, sophomore in business, also was ecstatic about the opening.
“Oh man, I couldn’t believe it when Mitt asked me to share a tent with him while we waited for Chick-fil-A to open,” said McConnell. “It even got so cold, we had to share a sleeping bag so we could use our body heat to keep us warm. Totally macho!”
While Chick-fil-A has made news in the past for its opposition to gay marriage, that didn’t seem to concern new patrons, who made very clear that they themselves were not gay.
“I guess the stance is okay? I guess it doesn’t really affect me all that much.” said McCain. “I’m way too into kissing girls on the lips and touching their like, their weird boobs and stuff enough to care.”
McConnell’s girlfriend, Tomi McCarthy, a junior, seemed somewhat annoyed by the whole event.
“I was a little confused when Pete ditched me to share a tent with Mitt, but I didn’t think it was that big of a deal,” said McCarthy. “But now they’re always there together! I mean he said we were dating! What gives?”
Many male patrons felt compelled to offer up examples of their masculinity, perhaps trying to demonstrate proof they belonged at the fast food joint.
“Wow am I bushed!” said Joey Bannon, a freshman in aviation. “It’s been such a long day. I’ve been freezing all day because I wear cargo shorts all year, and I spent so much time drinking PBR and smokin’ Winstons that I almost missed the Larry the Cable Guy show! I can’t wait to pick up some Chick-fil-A and finally head to bed with my girlfriend. She’s real!”
Bill Sessions, a manager at the new location, seemed confused by the way people would behave when hitting the drive through.
“I don’t get it,” said Sessions. “Why does everyone tell me they’re into country music and love their future wives when they order chicken tenders? I already know that, why else would they be buying food here?! I don’t care how many Blake Shelton concerts you’ve been to; I just want to know if you want fries with your meal.”
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.