How to Navigate the WMU Student Rec, You Puny Shit

author-pic at Western Michigan University  

We’re glad you’re putting the booze down and are finally thinking about your body, because your puny ass should be hitting up the rec center faster than a Chip running away from our tailgate in fear. Walking straight into the rec is probably already stressful enough for a soft ass like you, but less if you know what you’re doing. Here is how to navigate the WMU student rec, you puny shit:

5.) Walk through the front door, idiot: 
Right when you enter the front doors you’ll realize you are not in Planet Fatness, or in a judgment-free zone so you might as well grow a pair and get ready to conquer all. As you walk in and go down to the bottom floor, past the many racquetball courts, you’ll see the F45 room. You probably don’t have a clue what F45 is because it’s for people who belong in the gym. This is where you can sign up for some hardcore classes that’ll teach intense workouts that make crossfit look like yoga. Maybe it’ll help you attain the confidence to truly pump iron on a daily basis.

4.) Keep walking past the courts where people actually know how to play sports: 
If you’re not too much of a coward, you’ll find yourself walking past the basketball, volleyball, and tennis courts on the ground floor which are full of those ex-jocks and jockettes that just want to relive the glory days of dominating high school teams.

3.) There’s TVs upstairs for you in case you’re regretting this whole ‘gym’ thing: 
Up the stairs, where the true heart of the rec is located, you have the track along with many cardio machines that’ll your twig legs will need to hop onto real soon. From treadmills to stair-climbers, you better hope that you’ll have enough pre-workout in your system to make it look like you come here regularly. If not, there’s a decent amount of TV’s for you to enjoy your lazy ass anyway. But, in the case that you’re not a total loser, the most important room in the entire building is across the hall … the main weight room.

2.) You shitting your pants yet? YOU’RE ABOUT TO BE IN THE WEIGHT ROOM:  
The main weight room, at first, may intimidate you with the incredible amount of muscle being shown off by the cocky badasses that will always be better than you. You just have to ignore them when they make a funny comment about the embarrassing and shameful shape that you’re in. Unless your puny ass wonders in during the 7 p.m. rush, the free weights area is a great place to warm your meat up. Don’t be afraid to snag those 15-pounders because this is where your inner masculinity should overpower any backtalk from anyone clearly in better shape than you. No whining or being a bitch is ever tolerated. Whenever you are in this area, show off what you got and don’t make a wimp of yourself.

1.) This section is not meant for you, you puny shit: 
The most occupied and useful section within the weight room is easily the section with the benches. This area is clearly not for you yet since you’re still a puny shit that has yet to fully work up the nerve to get onto a bench and not look like an idiot. With the amount of weight, grumble, and sweat covering these bad boys, it is easy to understand that it’s best for you to wait until you get some meat on those bones and can lift more than your Bronco ID at the gate. Weaklings like you should use the other machines as you work your way up, which could take a while.

The Student Rec at Western is a glorious place to not only get jacked, but to also make fun of the sissies like yourself. As long as you can fully navigate throughout the entire center, you’ll be on the right path towards being the cocky and shredded person that you’ve always dreamed of being.

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