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13 Things Students Learned From KZoo Bars That WMU Never Taught Them

As the school year comes to an end you are probably thinking, “What the hell did I even learn this semester?” Great question!! Not everyone is skilled at sitting on their ass in Sangren and actually learning shit, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t been gaining valuable life lessons. Each KZoo bar has taught you more than you think…

The Library:
Just the name alone of this bar makes you sound smarter already. This building might not have books, but it sure as hell as lots of ways to learn. The Library teaches you secret life hacks that can always help you out, like pretending you are going to puke so you can skip the line to the bathroom. Time is money, and you just saved yourself 20 minutes in line—great start! The Library also teaches you not to mess with higher authority, since the bartenders seem like they always want to cut off your head.

Waldo’s:
Waldo’s teaches you the most important subject, which is you can in fact get drunk for $7 on Thursdays. Now, if you can calculate that, you are far brighter than a finite failure! Waldo’s is also a place where you learn to accept others for who they are, since it is the one night that hipsters come out from hiding. Waldo’s helps with face recognition and memory because you usually run into the same damn crowd and practice on remembering their names over and over again.

Grotto:
This bar teaches you how to fight your way to the top! On Fridays, there is a slim chance you’ll get a drink at the bar more than one time, so this skill is handy for time management. You also need to learn how to sell yourself so you can get free $1 beers! At the Grotto you need to know how to keep your guard up since you will be pushed over 50 times—it’s like going to the gym but drunk. And, at the Grotto, there’s history on the walls. Ever heard of Al Capone?

The Old Goat:
Going to this bar teaches you that you can be whoever the fuck you want to be! You are allowed to get piss-ass drunk since it’s basically next door. Shit, you might even live above this bar. Let your freak flag fly because Thursday is technically the start of the weekend in college. The Old Goat also teaches you how to mingle with even people you don’t like since there is only one line to walk down. You might get wasted here on Thursdays but at the end of the day, we’re all Broncos right?  

Aren’t you glad you spent thousands of dollars at college, when you could have just been spending $10 at one of these bars the whole time? You might have not learned shit at college but if Wastern taught you one thing, it’s how to drink!

 

Know anyone at one of these schools?

UNC-Wilmington –$100 BOUNTY
University of Arizona — $300 BOUNTY!
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Auburn — $100 bounty!
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SUNY Oswego — $100 bounty!

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