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Pothole at Campus Point to Begin Requiring Weekly Ritual Sacrifice


The growing pit just off of Howard Street near The Den has been devouring passing cars for nearly two years now. Since Kalamazoo residents have found ways around the inconvenience, the pothole has begun demanding ritual sacrifices weekly to keep it satisfied.

Saying that it “will continue to feed off of innocent bikers until a four-wheeled sacrifice is given,” the pothole has claimed that its ultimate goal is to “destroy the parking lot and all who inhabit it.”

The pothole has specifically asked  that it be given one four door sedan each week, preferably of a virgin sacrifice, or rather a vehicle that has less than 2,000 miles on it.

“It told me to call it Abezethibou the world devourer,” said WMU sophomore, Jason Shorts. “Then in mumbled something about turning The Den to new dark age. But like I drive a 2009 Ford Focus, I think I’ll be fine.”

How dangerous is this pit really? Just last week, WMU freshman Denise Worbutroffsyk’s car was lifted into the air and vigorously shaken while attempting to drive around the pit.

“I only had a few seconds to jump from the driver’s seat onto the pavement before my car was pulled underground,” she said. “Can’t they just put some fucking cement in the hole and call it a day?”

Students are hopeful that there’s a silver lining to all of this, and if the pothole is not filled by the start of the semester that Parking Services will lower their prices to make up for the potential to have their cars swallowed.

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