It’s that time of year again folks, Western will turn from a quiet ghost town into a raging party inferno filled with the wild cheers of Broncos thirsty for knowledge (and alcohol). We also have a new freshman class to pass on the full Western experience to, and not only are they the future, but we also would bet good money to say that they’re a bunch of idiots. Whether they’re puking in the lobby on the first night of orientation or they’re clinging to their roommate like their life depends on it, freshmen are always making mistakes. That’s why we at The Black Sheep have made a list of the top ten mistakes that freshmen make in order to save future WMU freshmen from certain doom:
9.) Making the wrong friends:
If we could choose any two words to describe the first month of school, it would be “forced friendships.” Once the first wave of loneliness hits, people will do anything to make friends. While it’s important to talk to people, it’s probably a good idea to spend time with people you actually like.
8.) Being dudes:
Sorry freshman dudes, but being a guy is one of the biggest mistakes you can make at school. For the first few days, nobody is going to want you and your bro tank-wearing crew of YOLO swag homies to show up at their welcome week party. Our best piece of advice would be either to roll with some ladies or thoroughly cross dress. Chicken cutlets usually do the trick.
7.) Getting arrested:
While most people at school can usually get away with doing illegal things, freshmen are the most likely to get caught. Whether it’s doing too much acid and breaking a dorm room window, or blatantly smashing a beer bottle in front of the cops, freshmen are always getting locked up. Our best piece of advice is this, if you see a cop, put away your vice, lock your eyes on your destination, and do the best sober impersonation you can pull off.
6.) Stepping on the W:
Rumor has it that if you step on the W near Waldo library, you will fail all your classes and have to drop out at the end of the semester. Freshmen seem to be the most oblivious to this cursed patch of campus. Trust us, we’ve seen friends come and go because of this very W; living in a van down by the Kalamazoo river is ten times as toxic as it sounds.
5.) Dating people back home:
So you want to keep seeing your significant other back home, eh? Hmm yeah, sounds great. Be prepared to enter a sad, downward spiral of tears and infidelity! In all seriousness, ten-second dick pics on Snapchat will most likely not make your relationship last past Thanksgiving, so you might as well saddle up with another Bronco.
4.) Reinventing themselves
Higher education is a time to find yourself, but that doesn’t mean completely changing your personality, wardrobe, music tastes, hairstyle, facial expressions, and hand gestures. Like Abraham Lincoln said “Be yourself, bitches” (Citation needed).
3.) Getting lost:
One confusing part about Western is that the campus is less of the conservative rectangular shape and more of a “battered jelly bean.” After a week, you should know where you’re going, and then people will stop making fun of you. Nobody, not even the professor, likes the frantic sweaty kid running into lecture 20 minutes late with pit stains and a wedgie.
2.) Wearing nice clothes to class:
Unless you’re giving a speech, lose the three piece suit. You don’t need to wear god damn bow tie to your Algebra 2 class. People are there to occasionally show up and hopefully pass, not strut down the runway like it’s the first day of high school. And for Christ’s sake; no fedoras.
1.) Transferring to Central:
If you decide you want to transfer to Central after just one year at WMU then you might as well lay out your plans for homelessness now. The only good thing they have at that god-forsaken school, besides an abundance of corn, is our Central/Western trophy, which we already stole back.