Top 10 Tips for a Proper Western Michigan Tailgate
Tailgating season is upon us here at WMU and The Black Sheep couldn’t be happier! Nothing is better than getting trashed with your friends in a parking lot next to a mental hospital. Check out these top ten tips for tailgating like a true Bronco!
10.) There’s No Such Thing as “No Room on the Bus”:
Western runs a bus system that will bring you pretty close to Waldo Stadium. When that rectangular chariot, or what we like to call “designated driver,” arrives to pick up or drop you off don’t be afraid to jam yourself into other people’s personal space.
9.) Bring Your Meat:
Since it’s tailgating season, you get to binge on alcohol and food during the day without people being concerned about your mental state. There are fellow Broncos at the tailgate who will let you cook your freshly slaughtered creature on their grill in celebration humanity being at the top of the food chain.
8.) Dress for the Weather:
Don’t dress like a slut. If it’s 32 degrees out and snowing, then you should not be wearing shorts or a skirt. There is a strict dress code when it gets cold outside. Guys wear jeans, sunglasses, and a hoodie. Girls wear yoga pants, Han Solo boots, and a hoodie.
7.) Don’t Forget the Booze:
If you are not drinking or stuffing your face with dead animals, then what the hell are you even doing here?
6.) Respect the Fuzz:
The Kalamazoo cops at tailgates are normally pretty laid-back bros. Show the men and women in uniform how much you can drink instead of bringing out your violent side. Besides, when they come riding in like the Riders of Rohan to break up the tailgate you don’t want to have Seabiscuit curb stomp your head on the cement.
5.) Respect the Games Before the Game:
Everyone hates that too-drunk-too-early guy, who fucks up everyone’s beer pong and cornhole games. If you’re going to be “that guy” then make sure you have some buddies who aren’t afraid to slap you around and keep you in line.
4.) It’s Okay to Throw Your Recyclables on the Ground:
The homeless community has your back and they need the money since, you know, they’re like… homeless and stuff. This is the one time in your life when tossing aluminum cans at a human being could be considered charitable.
3.) Porta-potties Are for the Women, Unless You Have to Shit:
Guys have the most magnificent pee field located right behind lot 104 to go tinkle in, thanks to their God-given ability to naturally pee standing up. Ladies, if you’re feeling like you can squat it, then go for it, but God only knows where the poison oak is.
2.) Get There Early:
You’re on a mission, don’t be late. At least four hours before the game is industry standard when you’re trying to drink the Broncos to victory. Don’t worry about arriving before everyone else! If we could camp out there the night before, we would.
1.) If You Make It to the Game Walking in a Straight Line, You’re a Pussy:
Three flights of stairs and a 45-degree hill are enough to practically kill a drunk kid. Don’t be afraid to puke in the stands.