What if everyone but freshmen were able to leave campus for the holiday break? What sort of scandalous activities would they do if there were no authority figures around? Holiday break is right around the corner, and after conducting no surveys whatsoever, The Black Sheep came up with a list of what we think would happen if the freshmen were left alone on campus.
10.) Learn their ABC’s:
We all have to start somewhere, and some of the freshmen class could use a refresher on the basics.
9.) Go swimming in Stoner Lake:
If you can brave the duck turd crockpot that is the Stoner Lake ecosystem, then a nice, refreshing, winter swim is a great choice.
8.) Convert Miller Fountain into a gigantic ball pit:
Every young person’s dream is to have a ball pit so big, that there’s actually a risk of drowning. Since WMU already did the grunt work of pumping out all the pesky water in Miller Fountain, it’s ready to be filled with something much more entertaining.
7.) Become ruled by a dictatorial leader:
With everyone else on campus away for break, the freshmen will lack leadership. Every primal pack seeks guidance, and with no one making their meals, someone needs to keep them from eating each other. The one solution is a totalitarian leadership to keep the masses in check. Look at North Korea and how happy everyone is there.
6.) Climb on top of Miller Auditorium or scale Sprau Tower:
Without the proper authority figures to slap them on the wrist, the freshmen are bound to do something life-threatening. What greater adrenaline-inducing experience could they possibly get on campus?
5.) Ride the Bronco in front of Read Fieldhouse:
A lot of people dream about being a cowboy or cowgirl. A lot of people also own and wear cowboy hats, even though they aren’t one. Freshmen are likely to follow their dreams (like majoring in liberal arts), and will saddle up on this famous sculpture for a Facebook photo op.
4.) Have sex on, in, or around all of the weird sculptures throughout campus:
Everyone has thought about doing the deed with those weird twisted dudes surrounding them; their frozen gaze penetrating your soul, and increasing the intensity of the experience. Or maybe they aren’t into entertaining a crowd, and would rather run the risk of getting cut by the bladed tower in the Schneider Hall courtyard. Let’s hope their tetanus shots are up to date.
3.) Go streaking across the football field:
All WMU students think about doing this at least once a year. With no one to tell them otherwise, the freshmen are bound to get over their insecurities and accomplish this college bucket list item.
2.) Try some squirrel soup:
Those fat little bastards are ripe for the picking. They’re even comfortable around humans, making it child’s play for freshmen to lure them in with a stolen cafeteria cookie, and slaughter them to cook up a nice hearty meal. Who the hell needs Campbell’s Chunky when you can have large chunks of fresh native squirrel?
1.) Try to buy Alcohol with their student ID at The Den:
School identification opens a lot of doors, but it probably won’t help a freshman get out of a holding cell.