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Top 10 Parent Thoughts During WMU Homecoming

It’s WMU Homecoming and parents are running rampant across Kalamazoo. They’re on our turf and finally getting a taste of what it means to be a Bronco. Homecoming is a time to let our true selves shine and here are the top 10 things your parents are thinking when they see the truth. 

10.) “I haven’t seen my kid in two months and now look at ’em.”:
“Eight weeks have passed and my child looks like they haven’t showered since we last saw ‘em. Their hair is practically in dreadlocks, and they gained at least 10 pounds.”

9.) “I paid for last-minute reservations at a shitty motel outside of downtown Kalamazoo just to walk up and down hills all morning.”:
“Is there some kind of ski lift system I can use? The campus is beautiful but I think my legs are starting to chafe. Oh, and now they’re asking me to run a 5k at 7 a.m. No thank you.”  

8.) “So that’s why my child told me not to go into their room.”:
“How are we paying $400 a month for them to live like this?!? There’s about 5,000 empty beer cans and not to mention a row of empty vodka gallons lined up above the cabinets in the kitchen. They have enough booze in their mini fridge to kill a bear.” 

7.) “On the other hand, I’m actually pretty proud of my kid.”:
“Not every parent can say their daughter can walk all the way to Waldo Stadium, up seven flights of stairs, and two miles to a tailgate all while drunkenly chanting ‘Row the Boat.’”

6.) “Since when can my child drink like a German celebrating Oktoberfest?“:
“Over the summer they could barely even handle two Summer Shandys on the back of our speedboat! Now they’re leaving behind a trail of empty cans worth at least 10 dollars.” 

5.) “Why is my son’s roommate beer bonging a fifth of Fireball?”:
“Seriously, should I call his parents or tell him to stop? He just offered me the last gulp, how sweet. I think I actually heard him say ’Mrs. D, calm down this is the hashtag Wastern Way,’ whatever that means.” 

4.) “I just spent an hour trying to get to this damn tailgate, now there are policemen on horses telling us to leave.”:
“Oh, I should stay away from them; I don’t want to get tear-gassed. Maybe I should ask them the quickest way out of here. Why is there a giant scary tower in the distance? Is that a mental hospital!?”

3.) “Why does Lafayette look like a war zone?”:
“There’s broken glass and beer cans everywhere. Does this even count as a street? I feel like I’m in 8 Mile.  Also, this girl is popping a squat right in my son’s front yard.” 

2.) “How does my child literally not know how to get into the stadium?”:
“Or where to sit for that matter… apparently he’s only made it into the actual game one time.”  

1.) “I don’t know if I will ever recover”:
“My son is ready to go back out and I think I need to call it quits, go back to the motel, and sleep forever. I don’t even care if it’s 9:30p.m. I’m surprised I lasted this long. Go Broncos, whatever.”

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