It’s spring here at Western Michigan University, and love is in the air! With so many Broncos saddling up together, it’s easy to forget that there are many who don’t have that special someone in their life. Now we know what you’re thinking, but we’re not talking about students. We’re talking about the dorms! They deserve to find love as much as the rest of us. Here are dating profiles for each of the dorms on campus.
Date Erected: 1963
I may be far away from campus, but our hearts will always be together. Looking for someone to stick around, because so many of the people I house are transfer students just passing through. My lofted furniture is perfect for cuddling where no one can see.
Sketchy laundry rooms, shag carpet, smelling like used condoms.
Date Erected: 1964
I just want a hookup. Some building that will come and go without me having to worry where, like the freshman that always leave after one year. I have a huge parking lot, so there’s lots of space for “extracurriculars,” if you know what I mean 😉
Foursomes, bunk beds, air hockey tables that don’t work.
Date Erected: 1965
Looking for someone who wants to eat! I’ve been so hungry since they took away my dining hall! Sure, it was just shitty sandwiches, but dammit they were better than nothing. Now everyone just looks at that fancy new dining hall. Nobody cares about lil’ ole’ me anymore.
Business halls, broken computers, long hikes up and down hills.
Date Erected: 1957
I’m the perfect building in the perfect spot campus. Looking for someone who understands “location, location, location.” If you are willing to accept me as the cream of the crop I am, we’re going to get along very smoothly. As the house for aviation students, I’m used to keeping a high standard.
Upperclass buildings, functional closet space, airplane sex.
Date Erected: 2015
Hell yeah! It’s ya buildin’, lookin’ a nice piece of brick (or steel alloy, I ain’t choosy) to start a nice foundation with. I may be the new kid on the block, but I’m not afraid to go toe-to-toe with any building on this campus to win you over. Help this beginner get lucky!
Free laundry, Donald Trump window signs, deceiving high schoolers into thinking life is always this good.
Date Erected: 1950
I’m really excited to get back out there. I’m recently single, and I’ve been working real hard to establish a healthy diet, so I’ll be structurally appealing to those young buildings. I’m always up for a picnic! Let me Slideschlag into your heart.
Carryout, damn good waffles, bad armoires.
Date Erected: 1954
WHO WANTS TO GET DRUNK??? I AM THE ONLY DORM WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO BE AT LEAST A SOPHOMORE AND I FUCKING LOVE IT. LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO PARTY WITH DAY AND NIGHT 24/7 @ ME IF YOU’RE INTERESTED.
PBR, random courtyards, getting trapped in stairwells.
If you see a good match for your dorm, let them know! These poor buildings have been flying solo for too long.