Connect with us
Connect with us

Western Michigan

So, Who’s Gonna Clean Up All This Goat Sh*t?


It seems that WMU has given up on using humans for labor, and has instead opted to use a task force of highly skilled goats to clear the woodland on campus. While the goats may be cheaper than their human counterparts, there’s an unforeseen cost to their labor, and it’s shit. So like, who fuck is going to clean it up if all the maintenance workers are OOO?

Dung beetles:

The campus staff has considered hiring a team of highly skilled beetles to clean up the dung left behind by our goat compadres. Sure, these guys could clean up the mess in no time, but the question is who will clean up after the beetles? A swarm of hungry monitor lizards, the natural predator of the dung beetle? Can WMU afford to put those things on payroll?


Unpaid interns at the Sindecuse Health Center are being told that in addition to their usual  tasks of fetching coffee, they may have to pick up the ever growing mound of coffee bean shaped poops these goats are leaving. This does in fact count as promoting a healthy campus environment, and a healthy bowel movement. These ‘terns won’t be receiving pay, but can apply for course credit through the College of Arts and Sciences advising office.

President Dunn’s shitty neighbor kid:

Kid Jimmy’s been offered five dollars per week to clean up the campus dungheap. The little shit’s dad’s gone public saying that his son will take the job as it is “a good way for him to learn responsibility and the value of the American dollar.” The asshole said he’ll do it, but he’s threatened to throw it at both his mom and the goats already, so we’ll see how long this will last.

Not the maintenance workers who’ve been laid off:

Considering these Union workers to clean up the feces of their goat overlords, who are essentially going to do the same work only post metabolization would be pretty, uhhh, shitty. Safe to say WMU would take a big fat on this desperate outreach.


Fraternities and sororities now have the option to do volunteer work for the organization “Caprinae Refuse Removal and Partners WMU” or “CRRAP WMU.” Volunteers will work in six hours shifts cleaning up after the goats and will be rewarded with warm, boiled hot dogs on stale buns provided by WMU dining services. This is an excellent philanthropic opportunity.

You, lol:

Students can apply for a percent rebate on their tuition this fall semester if they spend twenty hours or more following around one of the goats with a “catching sack.” Rebates will be awarded based on the weight of the sack at the end of a shift. WMU landscaping office notes that hours wasted cleaning up after the goats are non-refundable. If you’re smart, you rig your sack to a goat butt and hang out at Two Fellas.

Doesn’t really seem like WMU thought this one through when they laid off all of their employees in favor of goats as lawn mowers, does it?

Speaking of goats, listen to our podcast! 

Continue Reading

More from Western Michigan

To Top