WMU to Hire Local Mom to Enforce Tobacco Policy

author-pic at Western Michigan University  

In an effort to more strictly enforce its tobacco-free policy, Western Michigan University has hired local mother, Sherri Montane, with hopes that this move will curb the remaining smoking that is left on the Kalamazoo campus.

Montane who, like any mother, is known for her stern tone and ability to display disappointment that can bring any child to their knees begging for mercy, has been hired in the latest move by Western officials who are unhappy with how tobacco use has continued on campus even after the implementation of the tobacco-free policy back in 2014.

“We thought fines and other types of discipline would be enough to stop students from smoking on campus,” Caitlyn Murphy, a WMU administrator, said. “When that turned out to not be enough, we had to bring in the big guns.”

Fines are something that can be paid off and forgotten about, Murphy went on to explain, what moms bring to the table is the ability to shame their children and express a disappointment in someone that can take weeks to get over.

“What would a mother say if she saw her child smoking a cigarette?” Murphy said. “Well, now students can find out for themselves, and  hopefully they’ll feel guilty as shit.”

After interviewing hundreds of moms for the position, WMU knew Montane was the right fit after hearing the tone of voice she used when rehearsing what she’d say to her child if she found them smoking.

“She made us feel like we killed the family dog and we weren’t even smoking,” Ryan Shrill, another official involved in the hiring process, said. “God, I would hate to upset that women, she breaks her back for her children and no one should ever do anything to upset or hurt her.”

What made this mom even more desirable for the job was the fact that she wasn’t going to accept any form of money for her services.

“A cigarette takes five minutes off these promising young adults’ lives,” Montane said. “If I can shame any child into not smoking, then those five extra minutes they get to spend with their moms is enough.”

Students who scoff at the idea of some random mom telling them what to do will be disheartened to hear that Montane has methods of reaching any mother she chooses.

“All moms have other mom’s phone numbers, like a club,” Montane said. “If I see a young, bright student poisoning themselves, you bet your ass their mom will hear about it.”

Students on campus who don’t like smoking believe that this countermeasure is the first step towards completely eradicating tobacco use on campus.

“Having a mom roaming the campus, I think, will be beneficial to everyone,” junior Alicia Smith said. “Moms are so loving and would do anything for their little babies, so why would those babies want to drill holes in their mother’s heart?

Western’s new mom will begin her tobacco-free conquest starting fall semester 2017 which gives smokers the rest of spring and all of summer to continue breaking the university’s rules. But while they continue to break the rules, maybe they’ll think of their mothers and know that they starting to worry that they might live longer than their children.