Kalamazoo’s ever-changing weather on campus has been hard on everyone, but none have suffered as much as Parking Enforcement Officers. As more and more officers continue to lose their minds and leave the call of duty, 32-year-old full time officer Duncan Romine attempted to explain the situation at a press conference Thursday.
“I just can’t understand it,” said Romine, clutching the podium nervously. “We’ve never had to be so strict on our enforcing of parking spaces before. Generally speaking, these are our easy seasons—the snow is always so thick that we can’t ever see the parking lines, so people just generally park wherever.”
In an uncertain, jerky speech Romine continued to explain that due to the lack of snow there is no break for him or his fellow officers. The uncertainty of where the parking spot actually was used to give them some leeway.
Romine cited global warming as a potential culprit, and complained that the weather “just couldn’t make up its mind.” Unfortunately, it would seem no one knows what to do about it.
“Well, you can’t really plan for it, can you?” He said, a gleam of insanity in his eye. “I mean, it’s almost as if winter is doing this on purpose—as if this is all some kind of sick, twisted plan to drive me into insanity.”
After swearing revenge in the sky’s general direction, and shouting “You won’t make a fool of me”, and “I know what you’re up to!” Duncan pulled out his ticket notepad and flung it at the sky. Shortly following the notepad were clumps of ripped-out hair and the vast majority of the clothes he was wearing. After a quick confession that he “didn’t know what he was anymore,” he walked away shaking.
Romine had since been admitted to mental care at Sindecuse. His assigned therapist, Wilbur Sterling, revealed that Duncan was suffering from “Lake Effect Insanity,” a new, and dangerous, mental debility that has been cropping up all over Michigan.
“Persons wishing to avoid similar symptoms should try to eliminate as many forms of stress as they can in their lives and get plenty of Vitamin C,” Sterling said. “There is no guarantee that anyone is safe from LEI, however. And those who work outdoors are especially susceptible.”
According to some anonymous sources, Sindecuse has become full of muffled shouts and, on some nights, what sounds like a mix between two bonobos fighting on a cheap classroom chair and a man getting an orange shoved down his throat.
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.