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Are WMU Parking Services Secretly CMU Alumni?

It’s no secret that the WMU parking services are all assholes. Like lions in the Sahara, they stalk their prey constantly looking for a reason to ruin someone’s day. With so much misery surrounding the parking police, only one rational thought comes to mind: they are all CMU alumni.

With this kind of conspiracy sounding too good to be true, The Black Sheep sent a writer to further investigate this theory. What we found might surprise you.

You see them across campus searching the horizon for any and all parking violations. One minute they’re having a coffee and the next they’ve started writing a ticket for some poor senior that was just trying to turn in a late assignment to Rood Hall. They act as if everyone that has a car at Western is a rich transfer student from Wakanda.  And don’t you even accidently park in a staff parking spot — they’ll be on your vehicle faster than CMU taking L’s.

When spotted on campus, the parking police always seem to be scanning and searching. Like a robot, they can look at a wide area and pinpoint where violations have occurred. Now one might ask, “Well shit, if parking services are robots, shouldn’t we worry about them taking over the world?” The answer to that question is no.

You see, CMU students are programmed to ruin Bronco fun. They gleam with pride as they pull out the ticket printer and further drain the bank account of whatever poor sap parked in the wrong spot behind Sangren.

Further into the investigation there were other clear signs that these “people” were clearly from Central and not Planet Earth. An experiment was conducted where a sober Western student would see a parking officer and give them a friendly wave as if to say “Hello.” Out of 16 trials, only one officer acknowledged that there was an attempt at human interaction, and that officer never waved back. Out of all of humanities disrespectful actions, not waving back is one of the worst. With a curriculum as bad as Central’s, one must think — why are they the way they are?

Say what you will about them, but they are efficient at doing their job. These CMU alumni know how to break the bank but they don’t have the willpower to break Western students.


Know anyone at one of these schools?

UNC-Wilmington –$100 BOUNTY
University of Arizona — $300 BOUNTY!
Texas A&M Corpus Christi — $100 bounty!
Auburn — $100 bounty!
Penn State — $100 bounty!
Indiana — $100 bounty!
SUNY Oswego — $100 bounty!

Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $$$$ if they’re hired!

DM our twitter and we’ll take it from there!

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